Mama Has Super Powers

My husband really pisses me off sometimes.  Alright...I know one of his little "office spies" reads my blog and will go run to him regarding the contents of this blog.  "Kiss my ass!" is all I have to say about that.  Go back and tell him.  See if I give a shit!  If he were your husband, he'd probably piss you off every once in awhile, too.  As much as he'd like to think it, he is not perfect.  I'm not either, but this isn't about ME!  It's about him!  Stay focused, Little Spy.

Anyrat, I'm pissed!  We took the kids swimming this morning.  My son had his brand new pair of Versace Spiderman goggles with him.  The kid has 40 pairs of goggles, but these are his new prized possession.  He loves them!

When it was time to go back to the condo, my husband and daughter left before I could even finish the requisite death threats necessary to get him out of the pool.  After a series of tough negotiations, he got out but they'd already gone.  I dried him off, put his shirt on, grabbed all his pool gear, and headed up to our 6th floor condo for some lunch.

After eating, we headed to my dad's place for some scrump-dilly-ish-ous crawfish, visited my aunt, and stopped for a delicious snow cone.  A nice leisure afternoon in some of my most familiar haunts.  I nearly got the warm and fuzzies with all the nostalgia. 

After some enjoyable family time, we went back to our condo for an afternoon swim.  I dressed the kids in fresh swimsuits while my husband collected their pool gear.  That's when things went bad...

Apparently, the crown jewels were missing a stone!  *GASP in complete shock*  The Spiderman goggles were missing a lens!  And it was all my fault!

WTF?!?!

"If you'd keep up with stuff..."

I did keep up with the stuff.  Everything made it back to the condo, didn't it?

"Not exactly.  Where's the lens?  Where did you lose it?"

Aw, hell...  My head did a complete 360 and the green gunk started spewing.  Linda Blair didn't have shit on me!

Where did I lose it?  Are you suggesting that I lost the lens?  Oh, and I guess I lost it in a specific location to which I can return to retrieve the lens?  I freakin' hate assinine questions like that.

To make matters worse, my husband does this a LOT.  A whole, whole LOT.  My kids think it's my fault when it rains.  Well, if you wouldn't have washed your van...  Yea, and that whole tsunami thing?  That was me.  I didn't mess with the mine, but the earthquake in Cali, well, I just couldn't help myself. 

God, if I only had such power.  I sure as hell wouldn't be wasting it on stupid shit like sending my son into a complete meltdown over a damn lost goggle lens.  I'd be using that power to wreck havoc on Iran or North Korea or some other jacked up place like that.  For that matter, we'd have had a lot more snow days.  And that stubborn belly fat would be HIS-TOR-EEEE!

Jackass!  That's right, JP's spy!  I just called him a jackass.  A jackass who will probably be going without tonight, too!  (Watch...his damn cell phone will start ringing as soon as I press the POST button.)

Hey Moooog!  Do you think you can make me some reward posters at work?  I guess I'm on the hook for a new pair of Spiderman goggles if that darn lens isn't found.

Wait for it.  Wait for it...  *RING, RING, RING*