Black Friday Shmi-day

Black Friday.  The biggest shopping day of the year.  Over 1,500 people camped out in front of the Toys 'RUs in NYC for the big event.  Another 7,000 waited outside the Macy's in Manhattan just dying to enjoy the early bird specials.

 I heard on the radio the other day about a couple who started their Best Buy vigil on Monday.  A full five days before the party even starts!  And I just read where a woman was arrested outside a Toys 'R Us after cutting in line then threatening to shoot the angered squatters who'd been camped out in line for hours.  Her defense?  "Well, everyone else was doing it, and I just wanted to get my daughter the toy she wanted."  WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???

Ain't no way in hell that I'd camp out in front of some retail chain to get a $20 DVD player or a $5 Zu Zu Pet.  No way!  I'd rather have each of my toenails pulled from the nail bed with a pair of pliers than go shopping on Black Friday.  Christmas is supposed to be a joyful time.  Crowded malls + rude people + merchandise shortages = anything but a joyful time.

Hate me if you will, but I'm pretty much done with the Christmas shopping.  My rule?  Have all shopping done before Thanksgiving.  Thank God for the internet and free shipping.  I never have to leave the house!  It's great; I can buy every Star Wars action figure in existence while still in my pajamas! 

Online shopping saves me money too.  I went to Macy's on Wednesday to pick up a few smaller gifts for various people.  I ended up buying myself more stuff than anyone!  Hell, they were having a sale!  And I had coupons!  Mr. OCD is going to shit when he sees my bill, but I needed those bras.  Dammit.

Today for kicks, I browsed the internet just see some of the Black Friday specials I missed.  It does kind of suck that I paid about $50 more for my daughter's Nintendo DS (Walmart had them for $89 today.  They were sold out online by the time I looked.).  And I missed one heck of a deal on the Cricut Expression (on sale for $185), but I'm okay with that.  It sure beats me doing time for homicide.  And having my children raised by Mr. OCD's new wife, a nymphomaniac stripper who looks like Gwen Stefani. 

Christmas Is Coming

Do you ever get a song in your head, and then change up the lyrics for funsy?  This little diddle has been in my head all day long.  I'm hoping by sharing it, I can erase it from my mental iPod.

Join me.  Sing along with the music to the song, "Christmas Is Coming."

Christmas is coming,
My ass is so damn fat.
Please stop it with the cookies,
The candy, 
And junk like that.
If you must make holiday yummies,
Mix in some baby poo.
I haven't any will-pow-er,
None at all, thank you!
None at all, 
Thank you, sister friend.
I'm a glutton this is true.
I haven't any will-pow-er
None at all, thank you!

Now go; all of you!  Spread some Christmas cheer...and some glaze on my ass.  I'm curing this holiday ham while I type.

Because I Have Nothing Else to Do...

I've been sick, like puking sick, for three days now.  I started vomiting Friday, thought I was in the clear by Saturday morning, and then it all cranked back up again last night.  Seeing as Dr. Hypochondriac WebMD is my other alias, I'm pretty sure it's either arsenic poisoning, gallstones, or cancer.  Or maybe all three.   As a result, I've decided to spend my last days on earth watching the Teen Mom marathon on MTV.

Additionally, I feel it necessary to leave yall with these earth-shattering observations about the show and its cast of characters.  Call it my last critique.  Parting words of wisdom.  More like, the final ramblings of a woman delirious from too much ginger ale and not enough food.

First off, Catelyn and Tyler.  Both of them are hot messes individually, and completely dysfunctional together.  It's not their faults, though.  Catelyn's mom is a psycho with the maturity level of a fourteen year old drama queen.  Seriously, she throws more temper tantrums than my four year old.  Then there is Tyler's dad, another fabulous example Father of the Year material, who's in and out of jail.  He, too, is quite the mature one.  In fact, Catelyn and Tyler are actually the crown jewels of their families.  And I do have to give them credit.  They did make the right decision in placing their daughter for adoption.  At least they were able to protect her from the family kooks.

They need "couples therapy" at 18.  Puh-leez!!

Then there is Amber and Gary.  Two idiots with an adorable baby girl.  Still, they are complete idiots.  I'm surprised the authorities haven't taken their daughter away yet.  According to the tabloids, though, it may have already happened.  Someone's got to save that poor baby.  Amber is a poor excuse for a mom.  A former fatty who now wears a size 2, I suspect she's on the meth.  She is a typical irresponsible teenager, aside from the meth thing, but HELL-O?!?!  She chose to have a baby!  Suck it up, girlfriend.  Gary, her fat, lazy boyfriend, is pretty much the same.  He likes to stir shit up with Amber.  Maybe just to have make up sex?  What ever his reasons may be, he's seriously NOT husband/father material.  I can't imagine why anyone would think Leah would be better off in his custody.  Poor baby; she's got a future in stripping I'm sure.

Yuck!  I can't stand to even look at them.

Farrah, ahhhh Farrah.  She's a bit more complex.  At first glance, you want to hate her.  She's a beautiful, spoiled, extremely high-maintenance little girl.  Early in the show, she was quite inadequate as a mom.  She was very selfish and used her parents as her personal nanny service.  I think they felt guilty because Farrah's baby daddy was killed in a car crash.  Lucky for Sophia, her little girl, Farrah and her mom got into a brawl that forced Farrah to move out.  Since then, Farrah has grown up quite a bit and has turned out to be a pretty good mommy.  She's still high maintenance, but I like her.

Farrah with Sophia

I saved the best for last.  Maci.  I like her.  I just can't help it.  Yes, she's far too young to be someone's mom.  And Lord knows that ex-boyfriend of hers, Ryan, was not her best choice of sperm donor.  Yes, he's hot; but that's about all he's got going for him.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I'd probably have done him too at her age, but I digress.  Maci is a good mom.  I hope things work out for her in Nashville with her new boyfriend, Kyle.

At least he's good eye candy.

In closing, if you are dying and need some entertainment in your last hours, check out Teen Mom.  It's a train wreck that will, if nothing else, help you forget about the fact that you're dying.

Mr. Most Improved Is Not So Improved

Recently my son was awarded "Most Improved" in his kindergarten class.  I was so proud of him.  His teacher indicated that he was doing so well, and his behavior had gotten so much better. 

Being a proud mom, I didn't give the comment "his behavior has gotten better" much thought.  I'll admit, I did feel a bit anxious about the title of "Most Improved" because I am a hopeless perfectionist.  As such, improvement implies less than perfect to begin with.  Yes, I know.  No one is perfect.  I'm not perfect.  My kids are not perfect.  Still.  That is the goal.

Without going too far off into my ADD La-La-Land, today I got a note from his teacher.  She wants to meet with us.  About my son.  And his behavior.  While it has improved in her class, it is far from stellar outside of class.  To be more specific, he throws tantrums at lunch, in the gym, while in art class...UGGGHH!  Apparently, my adorable little boy acts like a certified B.R.A.T. in front of other people.

*insert horrified gasp and that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach*

I try so hard to be a good mother, and still my worst fears are materializing. 
When things don't go E's way or he doesn't get what he wants, he breaks into complete meltdown hysterics.  My kid is one of those high-maintenance, tantrum-throwing, whiney butts that I spent my single years avoiding.        

I can remember sitting in a restaurant and thinking God I wish those people would shut that kid up!  And I cannot believe that woman lets her kid act that way in public!  I even thought there's nothing wrong with him that a good ass-whooping can't cure!

I'm embarrassed.  I feel like a failure.  I want to cry.  Kindergarten is supposed to be one of his "good" years.  If he's acting crazy now, can you imagine what he'll be like by 7th grade?!?!

Here I am, a former smoker, drinker, and full-blown party girl who gave it all up to get married and have kids.  I stopped all destructive behaviors for fear that my children would be exposed to them.  I made a complete 360 for the sake of my family; yet, it doesn't even freaking matter. 

My kid acts no different from his classmate, a former crack baby who still wears Pull-Ups.  All my theories about the importance of good role models flew out the window today.  It's very likely that my child is no more likely to be successful and well-adjusted than the kid whose mom is in jail for cooking meth.

Lord, I need an intervention before I blow my paycheck on a carton of cigarettes, a case of Grey Goose Vodka, and a one-way ticket to Vegas!   

Classic Moments with Mr. OCD

This afternoon while cooking supper, Mr. OCD sits down with E to complete his homework.  It's their little "thing" they like to do together in the afternoons.  It's always good for a few laughs.  Today's comedy du jour??

"What the heck is this?  God, I can't even do kindergarten homework!  Mama, what does this mean?"

I'm annoyed because I have to go into the other room to help.  "It says to illustrate a word that sounds like star.  See the star right there?"

*crickets*

"It means to draw a freakin' picture of something that rhymes with star."

*illumination of the proverbial light bulb*

"Ohhhhhh.  Now what's a word that rhymes with star?"

Luckily, my five year old had that one.

How the hell does he get himself dressed in the morning?  Thank God my children have me, the brain trust of the family.  I'd hate for my son to flunk kindergarten because his dad doesn't know what an illustration is.

Ahhhh...  He's just one brain cell away from drooling.

Praise Jesus, he has a government job!