I'm talking about my fat ass! Well, that's not really accurate. It's not my ass that needs the help; it's my mid-section. I am so sick of being a lardo! I work out and eat right (for the most part), and have managed to slim down in other areas. For the life of me, though, I cannot lose the stubborn belly fat!
I think I may be cursed. It sounds crazy, but I'm serious. I think some fatty put a gris-gris on me for making fun. I am literally eating my own words! Words which are evidently covered in milk chocolate and trans fatty acids.
I remember when a friend of mine started to have children. At that time, I was still not married and definitely NOT considering children. After she gave birth to her first child, she showed me the stretch marks and flab rolls. I was mortified. It was then that I exclaimed, "Ain't no way I'm having kids! I'll just adopt. Call me vain, but I don't want my body destroyed!"
I should have never let those words cross my lips. I'm sure as soon as they did, a voodoo priestess was summoned. I can just see her now mixing up a little chicken feet, toad eyes, and bat blood concoction especially for moi'.
Feet of fowl,
Eyes of Toad,
Make LB reap what she sowed.
With all the powers of blood from a bat,
May the fruit of her womb
Make her FAT!
Poof! Just like that; I was cursed. I've been battling hopelessly ever since.
It's torture because I don't have the mind of a fat girl. In my eyes, I think I'm still a young, skinny hot chick. Then someone takes a picture, and I see the image of a heifer with a fat belly and a double chin. It depresses me beyond belief.
I guess I could avoid taking pictures. Of course, that leaves my kids with no keepsakes once I'm gone. That would really suck for them. I know how much I love looking at pictures of my family and me back in the day. I can't do that to them. But what's my alternative?
I could invest in a good program like PhotoShop. Then I could just digitally "enhance" all the pics of me. Unfortunately, that would require a whole lot of work and a whole lot of time. Seeing as I'm very
Why can't liposuction go on sale? Why don't they offer clearance pricing on older technology when something new comes along? Or why can't a scientist with some entrepreneurial spirit and a healthy trust fund create a magic pill that dissolves fat cells while you sleep?? Even better...why doesn't Jillian Michaels create a new show for the Not So Big Biggest Loser??? Seems unfair that she and her posse only want to help the morbidly obese. So I don't need to lose 800 pounds, does that make me any less worthy?
If I ever find that voodoo priestess, I'm going to whip her ass! That may not break the curse, but it will sure make me feel better. Hey, and isn't that good exercise???
