Facebook Confessions

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now, but Tracie's post at Stir-Fry Awesomeness really got my creative juices flowing.  If you aren't already a fan, you've got to check her out.  She is honestly on the top of my list of must-read blogs.  She's that good.

Anyyou'rewelcomefortheshamelessplug, her post was about how she did a little, um, "research" about her ex on Facebook.  She was hoping he'd be fat and bald.  Instead, he was handsome with a nice life, nice job, and nice family.  She didn't send a friend request.

I have another friend, who shall remain nameless because she will beat my ass if I tell, that likes to stalk her husband's exes.  She doesn't befriend them; she just stalks their profiles and the posts they make on the walls of mutual friends.  She cracks me up with all that junk.  And gets me wanting to do the same.

Don't worry, Mr. OCD's exes if you are reading, I'm too freakin' lazy to stalk your profiles.  Not that I don't care, I just don't care.  Ya know??  I find it more interesting to stalk other people on FB.

My stalkees of choice??  The girls that I envied with every ounce of my being.  You know, the girls who were tall and beautiful with fabulous lives who drove fabulous cars and had the Brad Pitt-looking boyfriends who worshipped them? 

Yes, those are the profiles that I scan secretly hoping to find meth addicts living at the Pay-by-the-Hour Motel doing tricks to support their habits.  Thus far, I've not found that to be true.  This makes me want to eat a whole pan of brownies topped with vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream, and nuts.  Great, now my fat ass is hungry...  Instead, I find that most are still living a "charmed" life. 

There is one girl, in particular, that just annoys the shit out of me.  In college, she was this tall, beautiful blond.  She always had a great tan, perfect highlights, and never wore the same thing twice.  Her family wasn't necessarily wealthy, but she got everything she ever wanted.  She had divorced parents desperate to buy her love. 

While we often ran in the same circle, we were not what you would call "friends."  We were not enemies either, though.  We were pleasant enough towards one another.  I seriously doubt she ever knew how envious I was.

Recently, I saw that she was mutual friends with another girl on FB so I sent her a friend request.  After all, we graduated college a gazillion years ago.  I am happily married with children; she is happily married with children.  She still looks great, but I'm no longer that insecure wannabe I was in college.  We have friends in common and common interests.  Let's be friends.  K?

Do you know that skank chick will not accept my request?!?!?  It's been months and still no response!  WTF?!?!  Are you kidding me?!  If I weren't so pissed, I'd probably laugh at the silliness.  However. This. PISSES. Me. Off!

I really don't know why it annoys me, but it does.  Nonetheless, I feel it my responsibility to stalk her now.  Apparently, she is a meth addict living in the Pay-by-the-Hour Motel giving BJs to support her habit.  That is why she won't accept my request.  She doesn't want me to know.  She's heard I'm doing research.  What else could it be?

It's unfortunate that her profile info is blocked from non-friends.  I do check out the pictures in which she is tagged, though.  She looks the same, yet not beautiful like I remembered.  She had a bad nose job done that hasn't aged very well at all.  Her hair looks the same, but dry.  Not shiny.  She's still tan.  And wrinkled.  Her hubs looks cute, but not any cuter than Mr. OCD. 

You know how I get my kicks, though?  You know what peaks my evil, non-Christian enjoyment when I look at that heifer's FB photos?  The fact that my children are far cuter than hers.  Seriously.  Hands-down.  Her daughter doesn't hold a candle to my pretty little G. 

Isn't it funny how the cosmos make full circle?  My daughter will probably be the envy of hers.  That makes me happy.  That's what she gets for not accepting my friend request.  *insert crazy, maniacal laugh here*

Crap, I sound like one of those pathetic "Toddlers & Tiaras" beauty pageant moms.  Sorry, Karma... Please don't bite me now!

Don't worry; G will not be making her debut any time soon.  These thoughts are purely for my personal enjoyment.  I won't be enrolling her into modeling/acting/porn star classes in the near future.  I'm not feeding G's head with any crazy shit about extreme dieting or breast implants or hair extensions.  G's hair is still ratty from lack of brushing, her feet are still nasty and bare, and she still smells like a pole-cat from playing outside in 125 degree temperatures for 12 hours straight.  A natural beauty with attitude, she is.  A fake beauty queen with a perennial smile, she is not!

Ramblings of a Not-as-Fat-as-Last-Week Lady

I love this picture!

Still no official New Year's resolution, but I have started the weight loss journey once again.  I'm hoping for more success this time around.  I'm not willing to commit to a resolution, though.  I like having the option to opt out without feeling guilty about it.  Guilt only leads to uncontrollable  bingeing.  Lord knows, I don't want to start that vicious cycle again.

On the day after Christmas, I went to my local JC for a little consultation.  A few years back I joined and bought the lifetime membership.  Maybe I'm psychic or maybe I know myself??  Or maybe it's just self-fulfilling prophecy...  Regardless, I am a member and don't have to PAY THEM to buy their very EXPENSIVE food.  Thanks, Jenny!  I don't remember how much that membership cost me, but I'm sure JC is still coming out on the better end, financially, of this partnership.

JC is okay, but I don't really like having the little "talk" each week with my consultant.  Hell, she doesn't know me!  And I'd venture to say that she has no degrees in psychology or sociology.  What makes her an expert?!?  But she is my "entrance fee" to the world of JC cuisine and weekly weigh-ins.  I'm afraid I'll have to tolerate her for awhile.

Today to keep my visit short, I took my 3 year old along.  I figured she'd terrorize the place enough that the consultant would make it quick to get me out of the place.  While G wasn't her usual piss-and-vinegar self, I think her tagging along did help speed up the process.  I was in and out in about 20 minutes.  That included a quick chat and a weigh-in.

Now.  Drum roll, please...  After one week on the JC plan, I've lost 4 1/2 pounds.  Pretty good, right?  I'm not just super ecstatic because it's so far away from my goal.  But I do need to learn to be proud of the little accomplishments.  I cannot help but feel a sense of panic when I think of how much I need to lose in total, though.  I've really put myself on the hook this time around. 

This time it is IMPERATIVE that I reach my goal!  I've already told 50 million Facebook subscribers that I would be in a bikini by the end of May.  I even started a group.  WTF?!?  I was having a manic moment!  As is typical for me, I am second-guessing myself.  Me and my great ideas... 

Hell, I am the QUEEN of great ideas.  I love coming up with a plan to accomplish my great ideas, too.  The DOING of something to accomplish the goal, though?  Ahhhh, not so much.  Ya see, my problem is that I am a very lazy over-achiever.  Is it really possible to be a lackadaisical Type A personality?  I am a woman of contradictions -- an oxymoron.

LOL!  The ADD is kicking in...  I am an OX y MORON.  I am an ox (I look like one), and I am a moron (for setting goals I'm not willing to put forth effort to achieve).

Okay, I'm back.  Luckily, the new Facebook group is full of ladies like me.  Most are direct and shoot from the hip.  When I start to falter, I am sure one of them will give me the kick in the ass that I need.  If nothing else, maybe they can help me keep my eye on the ball (or the bikini). 

Let's recap so I can remember exactly what this blog is all about...  I am fat.  I am currently on the JC diet plan.  I MUST reach my weight loss goals by the end of May.  I MUST stick it out.  I MUST wear a bikini to the beach.  I MUST be out of my freakin' mind!