I Hope He Didn't Lose His Eyesight as a Result...

My dear husband has been MIA for the last three days. He went on some stupid hunting trip. I suspect he's merely hanging out in a hotel for a few days since he's yet to come home with any type of dead animal. I know if I could have three days to myself, that's exactly how I'd spend it. Of course, my hotel would be in Paris, France, instead of Paris, Tennessee. Men are much simpler creatures, though.

While the ol' man (that's my biker chick impression) was hunting some peace and quiet turkey, the kids and I spent some good quality time together. We hit the zoo, played a little baseball, shopped, painted some pottery, enjoyed an afternoon birthday party, had a sleep over, and even played Just Dance on the Wii. I rocked it, btw... It was fun!

No, really... I'm not being a smart-ass either. We actually had a great time. With the exception of some accidental bed-wetting (not me; my son), it was all good.

However by the time Big Daddy showed up this afternoon, Mama was ready for a drink break. Too much mommy time is just bad for everyone involved. Before my husband could get both feet in the door, I was off for a little retail therapy. I had a few things to bring back to Old Navy and a couple of items to pick up at the grocery store. I was gone for nearly FIVE hours!

I get my shopping technique from my grandmother and my mom. I'm not happy until I've touched/fondled/handled nearly every item in the store. I peruse the racks and hum to the musak. Oh, the Spice Girls! I love that song! I sing and peruse some more.

I rarely try anything on, though. This is supposed to be fun, remember?? Instead I buy everything I want, and then I return 95% of it. That way, I get another afternoon to myself in order to return the unwanted merchandise. See??? This ain't my first rodeo!

Today I was torturing myself in the swimsuit section. Because I have complete body dysmorphia, I look at the two-pieces. What? I can dream, can't I? Don't worry; I'm not delusional, too. I went to the tankinis. Thank God for tankinis! Even big girls like me can own a two-piece!

Anybigfatass, I was having a dilemma regarding some pink, full coverage bottoms to match a print tank. The tank was green with a paisley print in various colors including pink. The pink, though, seemed to be lighter than the bottoms. See my dilemma? Consequently, I did what any woman would do... I asked a gay guy who worked there.

He and I debated and pondered for several minutes, but I could tell he wanted to get away. I'm thinking, Shit! I know I'm still carrying around those extra pounds, but I'm not grotesque, dude! At one point, I thought I saw him blushing. Was he creating a mental image of me in the swimsuit? Hell, is it that bad?!? I finally let him off the hook thinking he was on his way to the restroom to barf.

That's probably what he was doing, alright... As I reached down to pick up my purse, I saw the most horrific sight. There, for the entire world to see, was my left breast! I was wearing a peasant top with an elastic neckline. I bought it last summer when I was about 20 pounds heavier. I knew it didn't fit as well as when I purchased it, but I had no idea it stretched that much. Luckily, I was wearing a bra. But still!

I wonder how long I walked around the store with my boobage out?!!? They probably have a store surveillance tape to show at the next staff meeting. My wardrobe malfunction will be on Youtube.com video by next week.

That was not the five minutes of fame I was looking for...