Food Is Supposed to be Fun...

When I gave blood at school last month, I found out my cholesterol was up. I'd gotten a few high readings last year, but it was back down to normal when I had my OB visit in December. I thought I was in the clear...but no!


I went to my family doctor to have it tested yet again only to discover that it is 239!!! For those of you who have no idea to what I am referring, your cholesterol should be under 200. Cholesterol from 201-239 puts one at borderline high risk, and anything over 240 means that you are high risk. Oh, and the "risk" is developing heart disease and DYING of a heart attack. No biggie, right?



My doctor said to eat better, exercise more, and come back for a retest in three months. Easy enough, huh? Not exactly. First of all, I HATE to exercise. I go a few times a week, but I'd rather have all my fingernails ripped off. Seriously...I don't consider sweating like a whore in church while my flabby butt jiggles an exhilirating experience. I envy those people who enjoy working out, but I suspect they are big, fat LIARS. No amount of positive self-talk can make me like exercising.


Secondly, a low cholesterol diet sucks! While I don't eat many fried foods because I'm too lazy to cook them, I love bread, eggs, magarine, 2% milk, beef, and anything with high fructose corn syrup! I just love food and dessert and cereal and candy and Coke and... Now my diet must consist of lots of fruit, vegetables, fiber, whole grain, fish, bran, and anything without flavor.


You may look at the list and think, "that's not too bad." And in all honestly, I like fruits and vegetables. What I don't like is having to consume so many of them in place of the desserts that I prefer! Most fiber, bran, and whole grains are okay, I guess. I bought a loaf of some substance posing as "bread" the other day. It's more like some seeds and twigs with a crust. I don't know how I'll get that down with my spaghetti (made only with the leanest cuts of beef, of course). And fish?? I absolutely LOVE fish...when it's covered in a thick corn-based batter, fried in a huge vat, and served with tartar sauce and hush puppies. Not so sure that's what my doc has in mind...


Now I'm feeling depressed. I want CAKE! I want COOKIES and CHOCOLATE and ICE CREAM!!! Whaaaaa! I know I'm being a cry baby, but food is supposed to be fun and taste good, dammit! It's not meant to just nourish my body. Why do you think God invented chocolate cake??? Oooh, I could SO go for some chocolate cake...


I hope it gets better. I certainly don't want to die from heart disease. At the same time, though, can't they invent a calorie-free, sugar-free, trans fat-free candy bar? Screw a cure for the swine flu! This is far more important.


I guess I need to put a picture of a stripper on my fridge. It will serve as a reminder of what type of woman would raise my children if I died. I know my husband; he'd married the first nympho/stripper that crossed his path. Then my daughter would get her belly button pierced for her fourth birthday.


I better eat the seeds and twigs.