20 lbs. in 5 days???

If anyone has any great ideas or full-proof diets that will help me lose 20 lbs. in 5 days, I am all ears! The dreaded (I mean that lovingly, of course) reunion is next weekend. How did I let it sneak up on me?? Uuuggghhh... I really wanted to lose about 15 lbs. before this weekend. With all the chaos known as my life, I've just not been able to pull it off. Now I'm desperate! I need a quick fix -- laxatives, a colonic, self-induced vomiting, a magic potion -- ANYTHING!

I wish cosmetic surgery was available through a drive-thru window for $9.99. I'd get my "fix" every week. Some people think Joan Rivers looks bad, but hell, she's 100 years old! Yes, she's had a million cosmetic surgeries. But she still wears a size 6, and you can't find a wrinkle on her face or neck. You put her up against any 100 year old lady, and I bet you'd be impressed.

Screw the pedicures, give me liposuction! Hey, maybe the Asian community would get their entire families trained in operating that lipo vacuum and the chemical peel lasers. They have the nail thing down to an art. If a nail salon isn't owned by an Asian family, I won't even go inside. Why bother?!? I already know the pedicure will be nowhere near as good as that which I can get for $27 at T's Nails.

I hate that I am so obsessed with my weight. I wish I could just be happy with my body. I am so jealous of my friends who are able to accept themselves for who they are. I am too much of a perfectionist and way too critical of myself. It's not just my weight, either. It's in everything I do.

Last weekend, we went through some pictures from back in the day. I remember how obsessed I was with my weight back then, too. I always thought I was too fat. Now that I see myself, I think "WTH?" I don't care what anyone says, 120 lbs. is NOT fat. I can remember being obsessed with the scale in college. I would drink Slimfast for a week if I went over 110 lbs. I weighed 103 lbs. when I first went to college. When I left, I was 120 lbs. How I wish I could get there again...

Hmmm, I wonder where I can get a high colonic in Memphis this week.