TMI Thursday -- My Mommy Body

Thanks to Liv at http://www.livitluvit.com/, today is TMI Thursday. The deal is you must expose yourself to the world. And if you want to read some funny stuff, go on over to her website. Beware, though. You may not want to read her blog at work. Your boss may get the impression that you like your job and are enjoying your silly little assignment. I am very apprehensive about participating in TMI Thursday. After all, I do have my reputation to protect. LOL!


In all honesty, I'm pretty much an open book. What you see is what you get. I have nothing to hide. I don't lie because it requires too much thought. Regardless of how I try, I cannot hide my emotions very well either. As hard as I may attempt to conceal them, they are always visible on my face. If you do not really want the truth, do not ask me.

As a result, I am not sure what constitutes TMI! I mean, how much is "too much?" My threshold is probably much wider than that of my peers. When I think of TMI, my mind goes to the greatest depths of the gutter. TMI makes me think of raunchy, unadulterated, scary smut -- the kind of smut that can only be accessed through a man named Ahmad using a special knock and a secret password. I need a shower just thinking about it.


My TMI story today isn't exactly, well, "too much information," in my opinion. In fact, I think it fits more into the category of Public Service Announcements. However, I bet there are one or two of you who will say, "Oh, LB! That's more than I ever needed to know about you." Regardless, I feel it's my obligation to say it.


Girls, if you love your girls (.)(.) and want them to stay perky, DO NOT have children. In addition, if you like your nice taut belly take your birth control every day like clock work and avoid the pee-pee at all possible cost. My 7th grade sex ed teacher told me that even getting too close to that thing while you're nekked can get you impregnated! It may or may not be true, but why chance it?? Yet, I digress...


Now that I've had two children, I look in the mirror and want to cry. My boobies are a hot mess! They look more like what you'd see on a milk cow instead of a diva like me. I can't even stand for my husband to touch them because they gross me out. (Apparently, though, he has no issues.) Since I had to put off the boobie surgery until I find an ingenious way to make a quick five grand because my husband says "we can't afford it," I'm back to feeling extremely self-conscious. I won't even undress in front of folks at the gym.


But that's not my only flaw...oh no. I've had two c-sections. I never got stretch marks from either of my pregnancies, I am scarred for life nonetheless. Now I have to lift my c-section flap to see my bikini area. Of course, I don't know if "bikini" area is the appropriate term since this body hasn't seen a bikini since 2004. I think that flap bothers me more than my ugly boobies.

I am currently on a quest to get back in shape, but it's hard. Things have moved. They jiggle and point downward. Think Irene from the Hallmark Cards. Not a pretty picture, huh?

I don't know what type of surgery the 61 year old BowFlex granny in the purple bikini had, but rest assured I do not look like her. Right now. But if I get back down to my fighting weight, I'm going to post a life-size picture of yours truly in a string bikini all over this internet. Until then, though, a peek at a nekked LB is just WAYYY TMI!