Because I Have Nothing Else to Do...

I've been sick, like puking sick, for three days now.  I started vomiting Friday, thought I was in the clear by Saturday morning, and then it all cranked back up again last night.  Seeing as Dr. Hypochondriac WebMD is my other alias, I'm pretty sure it's either arsenic poisoning, gallstones, or cancer.  Or maybe all three.   As a result, I've decided to spend my last days on earth watching the Teen Mom marathon on MTV.

Additionally, I feel it necessary to leave yall with these earth-shattering observations about the show and its cast of characters.  Call it my last critique.  Parting words of wisdom.  More like, the final ramblings of a woman delirious from too much ginger ale and not enough food.

First off, Catelyn and Tyler.  Both of them are hot messes individually, and completely dysfunctional together.  It's not their faults, though.  Catelyn's mom is a psycho with the maturity level of a fourteen year old drama queen.  Seriously, she throws more temper tantrums than my four year old.  Then there is Tyler's dad, another fabulous example Father of the Year material, who's in and out of jail.  He, too, is quite the mature one.  In fact, Catelyn and Tyler are actually the crown jewels of their families.  And I do have to give them credit.  They did make the right decision in placing their daughter for adoption.  At least they were able to protect her from the family kooks.

They need "couples therapy" at 18.  Puh-leez!!

Then there is Amber and Gary.  Two idiots with an adorable baby girl.  Still, they are complete idiots.  I'm surprised the authorities haven't taken their daughter away yet.  According to the tabloids, though, it may have already happened.  Someone's got to save that poor baby.  Amber is a poor excuse for a mom.  A former fatty who now wears a size 2, I suspect she's on the meth.  She is a typical irresponsible teenager, aside from the meth thing, but HELL-O?!?!  She chose to have a baby!  Suck it up, girlfriend.  Gary, her fat, lazy boyfriend, is pretty much the same.  He likes to stir shit up with Amber.  Maybe just to have make up sex?  What ever his reasons may be, he's seriously NOT husband/father material.  I can't imagine why anyone would think Leah would be better off in his custody.  Poor baby; she's got a future in stripping I'm sure.

Yuck!  I can't stand to even look at them.

Farrah, ahhhh Farrah.  She's a bit more complex.  At first glance, you want to hate her.  She's a beautiful, spoiled, extremely high-maintenance little girl.  Early in the show, she was quite inadequate as a mom.  She was very selfish and used her parents as her personal nanny service.  I think they felt guilty because Farrah's baby daddy was killed in a car crash.  Lucky for Sophia, her little girl, Farrah and her mom got into a brawl that forced Farrah to move out.  Since then, Farrah has grown up quite a bit and has turned out to be a pretty good mommy.  She's still high maintenance, but I like her.

Farrah with Sophia

I saved the best for last.  Maci.  I like her.  I just can't help it.  Yes, she's far too young to be someone's mom.  And Lord knows that ex-boyfriend of hers, Ryan, was not her best choice of sperm donor.  Yes, he's hot; but that's about all he's got going for him.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I'd probably have done him too at her age, but I digress.  Maci is a good mom.  I hope things work out for her in Nashville with her new boyfriend, Kyle.

At least he's good eye candy.

In closing, if you are dying and need some entertainment in your last hours, check out Teen Mom.  It's a train wreck that will, if nothing else, help you forget about the fact that you're dying.

I HEART Gary

That big, fat sweetheart in a bunny costume...  But I hate his girlfriend, Amber.  She's so childish and whiny.  Farrah gets on my last nerves, too, but at least she's grown up a bit since she and Sophia moved out of her parents' home.  I guess that little "domestic assault" was actually a good thing.  Catelynn and Tyler are a hot mess -- immature and ridiculous.  Thank God they put that baby up for adoption.  Poor Maci...  Ryan is a hotty, but such a loser.  I would have SOOOO dated him back in the day.  I would NOT, however, have named my kid after a car. 

I've reached to an all new low.  I'm an addict.  My new crack is Teen Mom on MTV.  Jersey Shore used to be the only reason for me to watch MTV.  Now, though, I've added channel 331 to my list of favorites.  Pathetic.  A 40+ year old mom hooked on a TV show about the drama surrounding teen pregnancy.  Screw Kate Plus 8.  I need more dysfunction.  I need my entertainment in the form of a big ball of fuckness (Thanks for the new word, Snooki!).

Don't get me wrong; I'm still a Jersey Shore fan.  I am still a GTL'er who wears a Shirt Before the Shirt (SBTS).  I still <3 the Situation, Pauly, and Vinny.  I continue to be a proud supporter of the GFF (Grenade Free Foundation).  My feelings for those Guidos and Guidettes will never die.

Instead, those Jersey folks will be sharing a special place in my heart with those jacked up teen moms and their babies' daddies.