Nanny 911

Okay, so you remember my previous blog about my MIL and her lack of babysitting skills?? She "sat" (I use the term loosely, yet literally) with my kids while my husband and I went to my reunion festivities. She did a horrible job, and I could not wait to ditch her vowing "NEVER, EVER again!"

It never fails. I always end up eating my words....

Back in July, my husband and I made plans for a quick overnighter to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game for our 7th anniversary. We asked some friends to keep our kids, and let them spend the night. They said "sure," and my kids were excited. Mama and Daddy were excited, too, because we honestly thought it would be a much more difficult task. My kids don't really "spend the night" since they are only 4 and 3 years old. But these friends are the Godparents to my children so I was okay with it.

Mid-August rolls around, and the friends had to cancel. One of their children was in an out-of-town ball tournament. Their family would be in some po-dunk town in Middle Tennessee that weekend.

WHAT??? I was freaking out because I really wanted to get away, but I really had no babysitter. I thought about one of the teenagers I trust. After all, it would only be for one night. Something in the pit of my stomach stopped me, though, since the term, trusted teenager, is an oxymoron.

Yes, I trust our regular sitter for a few hours. No, I do not trust her for an overnight trip. There is no telling what kind of things could happen. I can just see me watching TV in St. Louis when the regularly scheduled programming is interrupted by this breaking news:

Teens Throw Kegger -- 3 Yr. Old Caught on Camera Playing Quarters and Doing Keg Stands!

I just could not take that chance.

Fastforward to three days before our anniversay. Still no babysitter... My husband called the MIL. Of course, she was free. Of course, she'd watch our kids. (Of course, she'd sit on her fat tookus and eat everything in our house.) Uuuggghhh!!!! At least I wasn't the one asking. I have my dignity!

As suspected, it was disasterous. I wish I'd have taken pictures of the aftermath. Not only did she call us every 20 minutes to report that our kids were little monsters who needed Nanny 911, our house looked like a tornado had been through it. She was there for 24 hours! What the heck happened???

Her dog (the one that she claims is COMPLETELY house broken) left feces in my son's room. There were crumbs all around the recliner where she'd plopped herself and probably stayed the entire time. My daughter was wearing plaid on plaid, and not even in the same color spectrum. There was an ungodly smell in the kitchen from a milk cup left sitting in the sink. My toilets looked like Port-a-Potties. My kids had not had their teeth brushed. And they were filthy!

I just pray that no one reports me to D.H.S.! I knew that she was incapable of caring for them properly; yet, I let her stay with them any way. I knowingly subjected my kids to such horrific living conditions and sub-standard hygiene! Even worse, they probably sustained long-term emotional scarring from all the mental abuse!

I felt so bad, I took my kids to Target. I can't take back that 24 hours, but maybe a little bribery will deaden the pain.

Nanny 911... If she does call, I'm reporting her to the Fashion Police!

MILs from Hell

I truly hope that when my son decides to marry, I will not mysteriously transform into a MIL from Hell. Seriously, I know moms are typically close to their little boys. How can they not be??? Little boys are so awesome, and they love their moms like no one else can. I can only imagine how difficult it will be to let him go. And I am sure that I will be leary of every girl who comes into his life. However, I pray that God will give me the courage to stay out of his freakin' business, and let him live his life!

As most of you know, I have a MIL from Hell. I thought she was THE MIL from Hell. Apparently, though, she is not the one and only MIL from Hell. It seems that being from Hell is quite characteristic of your typical MIL. Strangely, the Heavenly MIL is an anomaly and somewhat of a precious commodity. (My friend has one of those freaks of nature. Her MIL is awesome beyond belief! It's no fun trying to commiserate with her.)

The phenomena known as the MIL from Hell is complex. There are varying degrees of hellishness. All this time I thought that Dante's Inferno was a fictitious saga about the depths of Hell. I suspect, though, that Dante' may have had a MIL from Hell from which he got his inspiration. The characters obviously represent the MIL's from Hell that Dante encountered.

Depending on the spouse's "crime," the suffering varies. In the first circle of hell, the strong-willed must take a MIL with no manners and obnoxious public behaviors. The ankle-biter MIL is punishment for the passive in the second circle. One of the worst MIL's from Hell, the malicious meddler, is saved for the irresponsible and carefree in the deepest circle. Get the idea?? My personal hell is in the first circle. Another friend's MIL is worse, though.

My friend, V, has an ankle-biter. You know the type. She's like one of those really small, yelpy dogs who constantly bark and bite at your ankles until you kick the hell out her. She has no llife but that of her child's. Seriously, she is all up in the Kool-Aid, sniffing around in their business like the IRS. The ankle-biter is at V's house every single day. Much like the dog, she hovers over the children just waiting to attack anyone or anything that touches the litter. Regardless of what poor V does, the ankle-biter is there to take over while appearing to be helpful. This is no exaggeration either.

I recently had the pleasure of interacting with the ankle-biter. I was at V's house and fed her 1 year old a cheese puff. You know, the ones that melt in your mouth? The ones that require no teeth or chewing?? Since the MIL from Hell was hovering as she does, she nearly had a stroke!! She zoned in on that cheese puff like it was an assault weapon. In a flash, the ankle-biter destroyed the cheese puff and snatched the baby out of harm's way. Phew...another disaster averted thanks to her superb instincts!

My MIL is, in fact, from Hell, but at least she stays out of my business. Of course, she does live over a hundred miles away. I suspect she'd probably be a bit nosier if she were closer. Regardless, I appreciate the fact that she leaves us alone.

I guess there is truth in the saying, "God only gives you what you can handle." With almost complete certainty, I'd be looking for a job out of state if I had V's MIL. I would only be able to fake a joyful expression when she enters the door for about a week before I blew my stack. I'm not exactly sure what I'd say or do, but right now I am getting a visual of Linda Blair in the Exorcist throwing objects around the room with my head doing a 360 as I spew venemous green stuff. Let's just say, we'd probably need the crime scene clean up crew afterwards.