Let This Be a Lesson in Karma

So as you may have read, I've been venting away recently about my bad neighbor and her rude kid.  Glad you enjoyed the entertainment.  Anything for a laugh, right?

Dear God,
It's me LB.  Can I please take back all that I said about the neighbor's daughter?  I may have been just a bit hasty in my assessment.  I'm sure she's a good kid with impeccable manners who just experienced a momentary lapse in judgement.  In the future, I will refrain from running so quickly to the blogosphere to vent my frustrations to 50 gazillion people (I can dream, can't I??)  Thank you so much for your time and patience. 
Sincerely,
 the Mother of a REAL demon child

Let the bashing begin.  I deserve it.  I should know better than to say something bad about someone else's kid.  It's one of the cardinal rules of motherhood. 

Rule #1:  Don't EVER pass judgement on another mother's parenting based on her child's bad behavior.

Rule #2:  NEVER, EVER say anything along the lines of "My kid will never do that!" or "My kid knows better than to act like that."

Sunday afternoon, I took my daughter with me to the fabric store to buy the necessary materials for her Olivia costume.  This year for Halloween, she wants to be Olivia, the little pig from Nickelodeon.  Unfortunately, the Costume Making Company doesn't really make an Olivia costume.  Thus the reason for the trip to the fabric store.

AnyImustbefreakin'crazy, off we went to the fabric store.  One kid and mom.  Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy.  While we were there, my daughter found some purple sparkly material that she had to have.  "Ok," I said.  "If you are good, I'll buy you some sparkly purple material."

That's when she proceeded to interrogate an older lady behind us about the contents of her purse.  She even went so far as to grab at the zipper of the woman's purse.  As you might imagine, the old lady started freaking out.  She probably thought it was some purse-snatching scam where mom gets her kid to steal purses from unsuspecting elderly folks.

After much discussion about how wrong it is to grab someone's purse and demand to the see contents inside, my daughter then started grabbing at mine.  She kept insisting that I let her dig in it.  All the while I'm standing in line with 400 bolts of fabric, spools of thread, and miscellaneous notions.  Finally, I told her she would not get the purple sparkly stuff if she didn't stop.  She didn't stop.

"No purple sparkly for you, Missy!" 

That's when all hell broke loose.  My daughter started a full-blown, fit-for-the-movies temper tantrum complete with blood curdling screams.  She grabbed the material and tried to make a run for it.  I grabbed the fabric, but she continued to run through the store screaming.  Another older lady tried to stop her on the satin aisle, but G just pushed her out of the way. 

Since I'd already had the fabric cut, I was at the mercy of the 25 mile long line being serviced by Methuselah herself.  I did manage to catch G and get in said line, but the antics did not stop there.  While holding her in the line, she threw herself on the floor while screaming.  She couldn't break my hold, though, so she kicked her flip flops off and across the room nearly hitting the other patrons.

This went on for what seemed like 72 hours straight until finally, thank you, Jesus, some nice lady offered her place next in line.  When I finally got G in the car, she proceeded to kick and scream and remove her seatbelt all the way home.  I don't think I have ever been so mad in my entire life.  I was shaking and on the verge of tears. 

All for a freakin' piece of purple sparkly fabric!!!!

Super Mom

Yikes!  I've turned into a soccer mom! 

Well, not really a soccer mom since neither of my kids technically play soccer.  A symbolic soccer mom, if you will.  You know the one...Super Mom who has no life because she's too busy doing whatever the kids are doing???  I cannot. freakin'. believe it. either!  Yet, here I am.

Sitting at my laptop scurrying through my emails and facebook posts not really taking the time to actually read anything.  I can't!  I have no time.  Things that I enjoy are no longer important at my house.  We have schedules to follow.  And lots of them.  No time for mindless banter on Twitter.

Baseball pictures and birthday party #1 this afternoon.  Gymnastics in the morning.  Birthday party #2 tomorrow afternoon.  Church on Sunday.  Party #3 shortly afterwards.  A ball game Tuesday.  Dance class on Wednesday.  Another ball game on Thursday.  A football game on Friday.

Damn!  I'm tired!  Pray for me.  Pray that I'm not hospitalized for exhaustion over the weekend.  Oh, I forgot.  I'm the mom.  I got this.  Ok, well pray for Mr. OCD.  He will probably suffer extreme exhaustion, and then I'll have yet another thing to take care of this week! 

Is it Beer thirty yet???

Kindergartner and Future Inmate

Just one more week of vacation and it's back to the grind.  The grind doesn't bother me so much.  It's actually much easier than trying to keep my own kids entertained and away from one another!  I don't know why, but they just love to pester one another until a beat down ensues.  It usually ends up with E crying and G in time out.

Life as we know it will be so different this year, though.  My son, sweet baby E, is a kindergartner!  He's going to big school with the big kids.  Big kids who will laugh at him when he pukes in the cafeteria on the first day.  Big kids who will jokingly withhold the toilet paper in the restroom from him after he finishes his post-lunch bowel movement.  Big kids who will laugh at his glasses and be grossed out by the birthmark on the back of his head.  Ohmagaawwwd!  I'm starting to hyperventilate... 

Luckily, E, better known as the Mayor because he never meets a stranger, will probably manage those crises just fine.  He's got more personality in his left thumb than most people have in their whole bodies.  Even if the bigger kids do try to mess with him, I'm fairly certain he will win them over with his charm.  The kid is charismatic and very polite.  It's hard not to like him.

However, I am more concerned about those he chooses to befriend.  Like I said, he's got a ton of personality and people like him.  He's a follower and pretty gullible, though.  I can just see some 3rd grader talking him into pounding a ketchup packet with his fist to see if it will hit the principal in the eye.  Though he's not malicious, he will do nearly anything for the sake of friendship.  At his age, he hasn't yet figured out which kids are good and which ones are heathens.  I'm scared he will be a heathen-magnet.

Which brings me to another point...  Why do all the bad kids end up in the same class???  I've heard that this one teacher always ends up with the worst kids in the school.  I'm scared to freakin' death that E will end up in that class.  One step closer to the penitentiary. 

The teacher is as old as Methuselah and isn't really capable of physical restraint.  I'm not saying she should tie them to a chair, but...well...she should tie their asses somewhere!  Even though our district still uses corporal punishment, I can't imagine she's very fierce with the paddle.  At least if she ties them down somewhere, they can't harm the others.  Of course, she'll probably need some Duct tape too so they don't disrupt the educational process for the rest of the class.  But I digress...

Honestly, though, I have this vision of my son's first year of school.  He'll show up the first day wearing an adorable smile, looking like a Gap advertisement, and carrying his personalized pirate backpack.  By Christmas, he'll have traded traded those Gap jeans for some saggy, black Dickie's.  In the spring, he'll ask for a Mohawk.  By May, he'll be wanting a tattoo, an earring, and a diamond-studded grill.

Oh, shit...  I'm just not ready for this!  Maybe I should quit my job, move to a smaller house with a smaller mortgage, and home-school my kids.  Sure they make me nuts with the constant bickering, but I'm trying to keep them out of prison.  Right?!?!? 

Breathe, LB!  Breathe!