Life as we know it will be so different this year, though. My son, sweet baby E, is a kindergartner! He's going to big school with the big kids. Big kids who will laugh at him when he pukes in the cafeteria on the first day. Big kids who will jokingly withhold the toilet paper in the restroom from him after he finishes his post-lunch bowel movement. Big kids who will laugh at his glasses and be grossed out by the birthmark on the back of his head. Ohmagaawwwd! I'm starting to hyperventilate...
Luckily, E, better known as the Mayor because he never meets a stranger, will probably manage those crises just fine. He's got more personality in his left thumb than most people have in their whole bodies. Even if the bigger kids do try to mess with him, I'm fairly certain he will win them over with his charm. The kid is charismatic and very polite. It's hard not to like him.
However, I am more concerned about those he chooses to befriend. Like I said, he's got a ton of personality and people like him. He's a follower and pretty gullible, though. I can just see some 3rd grader talking him into pounding a ketchup packet with his fist to see if it will hit the principal in the eye. Though he's not malicious, he will do nearly anything for the sake of friendship. At his age, he hasn't yet figured out which kids are good and which ones are heathens. I'm scared he will be a heathen-magnet.
The teacher is as old as Methuselah and isn't really capable of physical restraint. I'm not saying she should tie them to a chair, but...well...she should tie their asses somewhere! Even though our district still uses corporal punishment, I can't imagine she's very fierce with the paddle. At least if she ties them down somewhere, they can't harm the others. Of course, she'll probably need some Duct tape too so they don't disrupt the educational process for the rest of the class. But I digress...
Honestly, though, I have this vision of my son's first year of school. He'll show up the first day wearing an adorable smile, looking like a Gap advertisement, and carrying his personalized pirate backpack. By Christmas, he'll have traded traded those Gap jeans for some saggy, black Dickie's. In the spring, he'll ask for a Mohawk. By May, he'll be wanting a tattoo, an earring, and a diamond-studded grill.
Oh, shit... I'm just not ready for this! Maybe I should quit my job, move to a smaller house with a smaller mortgage, and home-school my kids. Sure they make me nuts with the constant bickering, but I'm trying to keep them out of prison. Right?!?!?
Breathe, LB! Breathe!
