You Are Effin' with the Wrong People, Judy!

I've been laying low lately.  Trying to get the ol' MIL off my tail.  I even deleted all of JP's family members from my Facebook friends.  Apparently, they have shared my blogging material with her.  Delete.

Hello, Genius?!?!  The name of my blog is sarcasm4free.blogspot.com for a reason.  All stories are embellished and full of sarcasm to make them funny.  If you knew me at all, you would know that I am completely full of shit!!  I'm a hypochondriac drama queen so most of what I say is purely for effect.  Entertainment.  Like wrestlin' and Jersey Shore; it's not real.  You crazy-ass heifer!

Now, I just don't give a damn.  Be warned; if you have an aversion to offensive language, stop right here.  Read no further.  It's going to get ugly.  REALLY ugly.

In an effort to protect the innocent, I've been pretty quiet about the evil doings of my mother-in-law, Judy Pitt Cotham.  Yes, that's right.  I'm putting her name right out there for all the world to see.  If you should happen to make her acquaintance, run for the friggin' hills!  She is venomous and will do anything to get even with anyone.  Including her own flesh and blood.

Yesterday afternoon when the kids and I got home from school, a young woman knocked on my door.  I didn't recognize her and almost didn't answer the door.  I wish I hadn't.  Nothing against her, personally, but that's when all hell broke loose at my house.  This nice young lady was from the Department of Children's Services.  Yep, that agency that protects children from their crackhead, abusive parents.  Her visit was official.

Apparently, "someone" called to report that my husband and I are physically abusing our children.  In addition, the report indicated that I am an alcoholic and my husband is verbally abusive.  WTF??!?!?  My blood pressure is going through the roof as I type this.

First of all, let me assure you that neither my husband nor myself are abusing our children.  Have we ever spanked them???  Yes, we have.  There have been times where we deemed a spanking was warranted.  Whether you agree with spanking or not, there is nothing illegal about a parent administering discipline to his/her children.  Furthermore, if you've ever met my children, you know that they have NEVER been abused in their lives.

This just makes me sick to my stomach.  Judy is the most vile woman I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.  This woman hasn't even seen my children in a year and a half.  How the hell does she know what is going on in my house or with my children???  She has absolutely no clue.

Why would she do this, you ask??!?!?!  Why would a mother act with such malice toward her own son and his family?!?!?  Because she is a fucking narcissistic, vindictive bitch who will go to any lengths to exact revenge.  On her SON!  The one to whom she gave birth.  The one who hung the moon and stars until he told her that her dog was no longer welcome at our house.

Yes, that's right.  You heard it.  Absurd, huh?!?  She got pissed at my husband because he told her to that her dog could no longer come to our home.  The dog chewed up my kids toys and defecated in their bedrooms.  Her DOG!  Not her husband or boyfriend or even her damn pastor.  Her damn dog!

What makes it worse is that this is the SECOND time she's pulled this shit!  The first time she called our pastor and said all those things to him.  She has been trying to smear our names all over the community!  A community where she doesn't even live!

My husband has been working with the police department, and has gone to our attorney.  We've had enough.  I don't care if it costs a gazillion dollars in attorneys fees, we are going to whatever it takes to ensure that 1.) she stops harassing us and 2.) she never lays eyes on our children again.  EVER!!  By her actions, she's proven to be extremely dangerous to the well-being of our children.

And Judy, if you are reading this, and God I hope you are, just know that we've spoken to our children about their entire situation.  We are no longer trying to hide it from them.  They are pretty sharp, and know that something is wrong.  Consequently, they have no desire whatsoever to see you or be anywhere near you.  They are scared of you.  Good work, Asshole.  I'm sure that is exactly what you were shooting for, huh?!?!

MIL from Hell - She's Back!

It's been awhile since the MIL has been the topic of my blog.  April 27, 2010, to be exact.  If you are just joining me, you might want to catch up here and here. 

Yes, for the pass year and a half, it's been blissful and drama-free around the LB household.  She's tried to send cards and letters to our children, but Mr. OCD just had them RETURNED TO SENDER.  Some times I just love that man for his big kahunas.  I've never been very good at holding a grudge.  Him, though?!?!  He's in it for the long haul.  When he's done, he's DONE!  Adios!  Sayonara!  Don't let the door hit cha where the good Lord split cha!

Of course, I suspect a long history of chronic craziness has left him with no other choice.  While I totally believe in forgiving someone, and I believe he has forgiven her, I'm very proud of him for standing up for his family.  He is a good man who is only thinking of the best interest of his children.  Can't fault a guy for that, now can you?!?!

Apparently, he's not the only one with humongous testicles.  After a year and a half of zero contact, guess who wants to add me as a friend on Facebook?!?!  Yep, you guessed it.  The crazy heifer who tried to destroy my family.  The lunatic that tried to put my children in harm's way.  That freakin' skank who said I was a drunk, abuser of children!!!  To my damn pastor!  And anyone else who would listen to her! 

Up until now, I've never divulged the details of the incident that severed our relationship forever.  I'm still not willing to disclose it all, but you get the picture.  She's a nut job who will stop at nothing to exact revenge.  Even if it is with her own son!  As a mother, I cannot fathom being so hateful towards one of my own children.  My mom was no June Cleaver, but I always knew that she loved me.  She would have never done something to harm me or my family.  NEVER.

Which is why I am shocked at her audacity!  Seriously!?!?  You want to be my Facebook friend?!?  Did you take your damn meds this morning, Woman! 

And if the Facebook friend request wasn't enough, she sent me a text message.  Her words exactly:

You need to talk to [Mr. OCD].  I want time with kids.

Let's analyze this message, why don't we?  First off, do you see an apology anywhere?  Take another look.  I'll wait.  Second, do you recognize the fierce commands?  "You need" and "I want" do not sound like the pleas of a humble woman who truly regrets her actions.  Not an ounce of empathy can be found anywhere in this message.  Go ahead, read it again.  See?!?!  Sounds more like a text message Hitler would have sent to Josef Mengele.

FYI, Ms. Sociopath with Severe Narcissism.  I will NOT let you torture my husband anymore with your conditional, insanely dysfunctional idea of love.  Furthermore, I will do everything in my power to keep you from having contact with our children.  The love in our home has flourished tenfold since we cut ties with you.  Our kids are amazing and happy and incredibly beautiful, inside and out.  I don't want the ugliness of your presence to tarnish that in any way.  This was all your doings.  While I do forgive you because God says I must, I have not forgotten what you did.  And I WILL protect my family.   Don't make me get a restraining order, you big, fat loon!

The Ugly Truth -- It Ain't Pretty

Alright, I've calmed down a little, very little, so this is going to be a long one.  You've been warned...

The MIL struck again.  I'm not sure how I will be able to keep from slapping the shit out of her maintain my composure much longer.  I know I have to for the sake of my family.

HATE is really such a strong term, and I do not like to use it when describing my feelings for someone.  However, it's all I got!  Towards the MIL, that is.  She is a horrible, despicable woman!  She is a complete narcissist who lives in a fantasy world where she is wonderful and everyone who crosses her is evil.  She has absolutely NO life because no one wants to be around her.  She is TOXIC!  According to Dr. Phil and Mrs. LB, you cannot have a relationship with toxic people if you want to be happy.  

What he forgot to add, though, is that once you get rid of said toxic relationship, you'll have to hunker down for the aftermath.  Ya see, toxic narcissists love for the attention to be on them.  If you take that away, they will go to great lengths to get your attention again.  Negative attention is as good as anything.  In fact, the more drama the better.  The MIL is a great victim!!!  It is her favorite role.  Poor, poor Judy...  Her son is being so mean to her.  She can't even see her grandchildren.  Ya damn skippy, she can't!!!

Instead of being PC and keeping it cryptic, I think it's time I lay out the details and expose her for the horrible creature she is.  As you may remember, a few weeks back she came for a visit, she allowed her dog to shit in my son's room, and she and my husband got into because she 1.) let the dog in against our wishes, and 2.) asked our children to lie about it.  It still pisses me off just thinking about it.  The dog shit can be cleaned up, but expecting my kids to lie for you????  That's crossing the freakin' line, lady!

After a complete throw down full of "I hate yous," that looney tune decides to call our pastor and DHS to report that we'd been abusing our kids!!!!

Back up to the her visit.  As usual, she came to our house and sat her fass ass in the recliner where she probably stayed until she left again.  If the kids wanted to hug her, they had to get in the recliner.  My poor recliner...

That evening, my daughter was extremely tired and irritable.  She cried all afternoon.  It was seriously one tantrum after another.  As it got closer to bedtime, I put her in the tub for a bath.  Of course, she screamed and cried the entire time.  I got her out after washing her hair and brought her into my bedroom.  This is our usual routine.  Except G was in full hysterics by this time.  She hates to have her hair washed.  Moreover, there is nothing you can do to make her happy when she is mid-tantrum. 

So there she was, throwing herself on the floor, kicking and screaming bloody murder.  My sweet baby girl turns into Freddy Krueger when she's tired and ill.  AnyCalgontakemeaway, I finally managed to get a pull up on her.  But she refused to let me get her dressed.  At this point, I was frustrated.  I spanked her.  With my hand.  On her bottom.  Completely covered with thick, cotton padding from a night time pull up.  Of course, she immediately poured on the hysterics.

Now if you aren't a spanker, I completely understand your opposition.  I've always been on the fence about it myself. I don't really like it, and don't do it very often. I'm more apt to yell. I'm not opposed to using a spanking as a form of discipline in extreme instances, though, and I certainly don't believe a spanking is abuse.  In my opinion, this was an extreme situation so I gave G a spanking.

After that, I was finally able to wrestle on her pajamas.  That's when her daddy came in to "save the day!"  He always does that shit and it pisses me off!  I let him know it, too.  You cannot come in here and rescue her from punishment when she misbehaves!!!  But she'd been throwing a temper tantrum for a good 30-45 minutes by then.  Consequently, I relented.  It was getting too dramatic and way too frustrating.  JP put her to bed, but ended up giving her another spanking. With his hand. On her bottom. Completely covered with thick, cotton padding from a night time pull up. 

All the while, the MIL kept her big, fat ass herself in the recliner.  She never moved!  She never got up.  She has no idea what transpired since her big ass was all the way in the living room sitting comfortably in our recliner!!! 

Furthermore, she never uttered a word about it...UNTIL my husband pissed her off!

I don't have the exact wording, but this is pretty much what was alleged according to the DHS worker who showed up at my house unexpectedly one evening:

1. I am an alcoholic with a long history of alcohol abuse.  WTF?!?!  Are you freakin' serious?  When I was in college, I did like to party and drink.  So eff'n what!  I was over 21 years old and entitled to live how I chose to live.  I had no responsibilities!  Since I've been married with kids, though, I may have a drink once or twice a year.  If you ask my husband, though, that's not nearly enough...  Perve!
2. I beat my children so hard with a spoon that I've left marks.  Again, WTF?!?!  Yes, I do have a spanking spoon.  It's mostly for effect, though.  I use it to threaten.  I rarely pull it out anymore because my kids aren't really afraid.  I can count on one hand how many times I've actually used it to spank (more like to "swat").  Never have I hit hard enough to leave a mark.  I spank to get their attention, NOT to hurt them.
3. My husband is OCD and has anger issues with extreme mood swings.  I will not deny (nor will JP) that my husband is a bit OCD.  He is very routine oriented.  He likes to follow steps and processes.  Pretty harmless OCD, in my opinion.  It may be annoying sometimes, but it is certainly not disruptive to the family.  I will admit, also, that my husband gets mad a lot easier than I do.  Hell, what man doesn't act like a baby from time-to-time?  He is a push-over, though.  He would never, EVER hurt one of our kids.  Would he give a spanking if warranted???  Absolutely!  As far as I know, however, it is not illegal to spank your children.

We were interviewed.  Our kids were interviewed.  The school teachers were interviewed.  Upon investigating, DHS determined there was absolutely NO proof to support the claims.  Case closed!  We were humiliated nonetheless.

As if that isn't enough, that stupid crazy psycho bitch woman has continued to harass our pastor with her incessant calling and crazy messages.  In addition, she's called my husband's aunt, and her sister, daily to dig for information about us.  Our pastor refuses to accept her calls.  Aunt G doesn't have anything to say.  The MIL is pissed because she has no control over the situation.

As I should have suspected, being the nosey-ass busy body and malicious narcissist is, she cannot stand being out of the loop.  She hates when things don't go the way she wants or when people don't do things as she says.  Consequently, I should have known that she'd try to get things stirred up again.

She did.  She called the DHS hotline on us. Again.  We haven't spoken to or seen her in several weeks, but she reported us again.  Luckily, the case worker at DHS called us about it.  Everyone has kind of figured out her little game.   

My husband called his lawyer and spoke with the police department yesterday.  A police report has been filed.  This is definitely harassment.  In addition, the lawyers want us to sue her for slander, libel, and filing a false report. 

Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think I'd ever end up in a People's Court-type situation suing a relative.  I'd love to call the producers of Judge Judy.  For one, we'd probably make the show because of the unbelievability of this story.  And two, I'd love to see Judge Judy rip the MIL a new asshole.  I know it's not very Christian-like, but I would THOROUGHLY enjoy that.