The Disney Cult

It's usually when I'm totally sick of snow and longing for warmer weather that I start to consider our yearly vacation options.  We've been to Disney World for three straight years.  I'm ready for a change of scenery.  I <3 Walt Disney and his little dream, really I do.  I'm just wanting to try something different.

I've been surfing the internet all day, while my kids destroyed the house, looking for the perfect non-Disney vacation.  Guess what?  It does not exist!  I googled "best family vacations" and "top vacation destinations for kids" and "vacations for kids" only to get basically the same results each time.  Number 1 on most lists is freakin' Walt Disney World!

Crap!  So I dug deeper.  Looked harder.

What about a cruise?  Nope.  I'm too paranoid about my son throwing his sister overboard.  I'd never forgive myself. 

Ah-ha!  Mexico would be perfect!  Oh, wait a minute.  Mr. OCD hates the beach.  He has issues with sand.

Then I came across Atlantis in the Bahamas.  It's beautiful and has lots of activities for the kids.  Yes, there's a beach but we don't really have to go there.  I'll admit; I'm a poolside kind of girl any way.  From the website, it looks like Atlantis has a bazillion pools to choose from AND a ji-normous water park!

"Let's do it!" my son said, though I suspect he had absolutely no idea about what he was so excited.  He just likes to spend money.

The reason for the title of my post.  I priced a glorious 7-day vacation in the beautiful Atlantis Resort, and nearly had a full-blown kaniption!  It cost about the same as a Disney vacation PLUS my husband and I will be responsible for entertaining those little people who suck up so much of our resources.

*sigh, open a new browser tab, and type in www.disney.com*

Walt and his little animal friends have me just where they want me.  No matter where I look to vacation, the cost is roughly the same.  WITHOUT all the amenities and convenience of Disney. 

It's like a cult that we can't escape!  Only the leader is a bigger-than-life mouse that we cannot help but worship.  He and his goons are just too adorable to resist.  The luxurious compound lures us back year after year.   

I certainly hope they don't start offering Kool-Aid with the meal plan.   

Disney Vacation Tips

My blogs have been sparse lately as I've been busy preparing for yet another torturous vacation at Walt Disney World in Florida.  My kids are 4 and 5, and have been to Disney World three times already.  Mama's finally taking a stand!  We will JUST SAY NO! to Disney...at least until my short-term memory has erased the horror.

If you are looking for tips along the caliber of Frommer's, stop reading now.  But if you are looking for ways to merely survive one hellacious week of over-priced entertainment in the warmest location on the North American continent, look no further.  LB is here to help.  And you are very welcome.

Tip #1 - Tell your kids the place was destroyed by a hurricane, tornado, earthquake, meteorite...anything!  If they buy it, you don't even need to read the other tips.

Tip #2 - Screw comfortable shoes; rent a fat-lady scooter or a wheelchair.  Hell, everyone else does it and they get premium seating at all the shows!

Tip #3 - Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen!!  People, if you are white as a cotton ball, please use lots of sunscreen.  I saw a family at the water park that probably needed hospitalization.  They were burnt UP!

Tip #4 - Be sure to pack the happy pills.  It may even be necessary to up your dosage.

Tip #5 - Fight the urge to plan!  Don't do it!  You'll spend your entire trip stressed out and 5 minutes late to everything.

Tip #6 - If you own a gun, leave it at home.  More than likely the urge to shoot someone will be too hard to resist.

Tip #7 - If you do the dining plan, be sure it includes alcoholic beverages.  At least if you are shit-faced drunk, you won't feel bad when you yell for the fat-ass, slow-walking family in front of you to "MOVE OUT OF THE FREAKIN' WAY!"


Tip #8 - If possible, leave the kids at home.  Just go with your spouse or your boyfriend or both.  Maybe then you can actually enjoy the place.

Tip #9 - Forget about your dietary restrictions.  Healthy options are available, but why bother???  They've got the best desserts, ice cream, candy, and rot gut, saturated fat-filled, artery clogging meals in America!  If you are going to spend $50 a person on a meal, better get your money's worth.

Tip #10 - If you think you can do everything in 5 days, book your vacation for 7-8 days.  Disney is so much more enjoyable when done in small doses.  Your kids will thank you, your spouse will thank you, and the corporate shareholders at Disney will thank you!