Excuse Me, But Do Those Prison Stripes Come in His Size??

My son needs help.  Serious help.  I've never seen anything like it.  For such a sweet, charismatic, smart, and extremely adorable five year old, he has a dark side that is starting to bother me.  I've kinda tried to ignore.  Until now.

I'm afraid an intervention, or an exorcism, may be necessary.

My son is a five-year-old stuffaholic.  He's a certifiable treasure box junkie!  He is obsessed with acquiring junk!  I don't want to call it greed because I'm not convinced that's it.  He'll gladly give to others.  In fact, he is always wrapping up his toys to give to his friends as presents.  But he is even happier to be on the receiving end.  In fact, he got pissed when he didn't get a parting gift at a recent birthday party.  

At his preschool graduation, his teachers gave out funny, special awards to all of the kids.  He got "Most Likely to Bring a Toy to School Every Day."  WTH???  It's true, though.  He would always stick some little figurine or car in his backpack before leaving for school each morning.  My son, Mr. Materialistic. 

At his sister's softball games, he'd get $2 to spend on whatever.  He'd make 40 trips to the concession stand spending a quarter at a time.  (Don't check my math.  I'm close, though.)  He'd give me the loot to hold while he merely enjoyed the transactions.  I've seen him throw a box of tampons into the grocery cart just before check out to ensure that he got "something." 

Old, new, clean, dirty...he doesn't care.  He just likes getting "stuff."  Every time we go somewhere the first thing out of his mouth is "Can I get a toy?"  He is a retailer's dream come true!

Today, after lunch I took him and his sister to McDonald's for ice cream and to play.  I know, bad move.  But hell, it's 187 degrees outside!  I thought it would be a win-win.  Win, because I get to hang out in the A/C.  Win, they get to play and enjoy some ice cream in the A/C.  As soon as we get into the place, my son starts in about the freakin' Shrek watches that he doesn't have yet. 

Whatever...  You got a Shrek watch two days ago.  I'm sure before they are all gone, you will have acquired the rest of them.

Don't judge.  I know that Happy Meals are crap full of fat and grease.  Give me a break, please.  I do give them a multi-vitamin every day, for crying out loud.

Anywonderwhyshe'safatass, he started pouting.  My gut was telling me to turn around and walk out of the door, but lazy mom, my alter-ego, was saying "You've got 3 more hours to kill before Daddy gets home."  Lazy mom won! 

We went to the play area.  Shortly after removing his shoes, E came to me with a big, I-got-something-and-you-don't grin on his face.  I knew something was up.  Sure enough, behind his back was an effn' Puss-in-Boots watch.  He said he "found" it.  I told him to put it back.  He sulked away.

Instead of putting it back, however, he put it in his pocket!  He hid behind the slide, looked around to make sure I wasn't watching, then slid the damn watch in his freakin' pocket!  Of course I was watching as was some nosey old man sitting next to us.  "He put it in his pocket, Ma'am." 

Thanks, Mr. None of Your Business.  Oh, I didn't say it, but I wanted to.  Sorry, I still have the pissies, and I just wasn't in the mood. 

The highly coveted watch that led to his felonious offense...

OMG!  Where did he learn that???  I was freaking out.  See, this was not the first time I'd caught him stealing.  Once at the zoo he tried to steal a tiger ball because I told him he could only have one toy!  Needless to say, he got NOTHING but a severe cussin' a lecture about going to jail and a time out.

The toy at McDonald's was actually just left in the play area.  It didn't belong to anyone in the play area.  I checked.  But I gave it to the McDonald's worker because he was NOT getting it.  He cried the entire way home.

None of my parenting books address larceny.  I'm stumped.  Moms in Blogland, what would you do?  My first instinct is to take him for a visit to Juvy.  Give him a little "Scared Straight" therapy.  Do they make prison jumpsuits to fit five year olds???