He's a Juvenile Offender

Hi.  My name is LB, and my son is a kleptomaniac.

There!  I said it.  Admitting is the first step, right?  But the first step to what?  What exactly, pray tell, am I to do??? 

Last year, on a few occasions, I caught my six year old, sweet little E, taking things that did not belong to him.  In fact, I had practically forgotten about his felonious activities from last summer.  Check it out!  Go ahead; I'll wait. 

Trying so hard to be an understanding and compassionate mother, I tried to explain to him that we do not take what is not ours without permission.  And each time, he replied with, "I'm sorry, but I really wanted it."  After explaining further that we don't always get what we want, the conversation would always end with him looking so sweet and sincerely apologetic. 

Don't do it again, Son. 

"Okay, Mama.  I'm sorry." 

Lately he's been "finding" things with more frequency.  At a birthday party, I caught him trying to stuff one of the birthday boy's gifts down his pants.  I was mortified.  This was the second such incident at a birthday party.  His daddy took him to the restroom for a little "counseling." 

Then today he started a new after-school camp at his new elementary school.  When I arrived to pick him up  this afternoon, he told me that he had a surprise for his sister.  There I was, with a line of people behind me, signing him out and trying to pacify him.  Okay, Sweetie.  That's very nice of you to think of her.  Without even considering where said surprise actually came from. 

Until we got to the car.  And he started unloading all the trinkets in his backpack.  First he pulled out some little McDonald's doll for his sister.  "Here G.  This is one of the ones you don't have.  Now you only need to get the Lemon girl." 

My first thought???  Awwww, how sweet!  Isn't he the sweetest brother EVER?  Quickly, though, I was suspicious seeing as 1.) I hadn't taken him to McDonald's that day, 2.) he certainly didn't have any money for McDonald's, and 3.) where the hell could he have acquired that toy without money or transportation??? 

Before I could start my interrogation regarding the acquisition of little Miss Lemon Meringue, he pulled something else out of his backpack.  Like a damn magician.  Poof!  A big, purple VW Beetle with peace signs covering it.  Clearly someone's toy.  Definitely NOT his.

Where did that come from, Son?

"Oh, I found it on the stage."

What do you mean you found it on the stage?  Where on the stage?

"Yea, it was just laying on the ground."

Well, I don't believe it was just laying around belonging to no one.  Does it belong to the camp?  Something that big is not going to be laying around on the stage without anyone noticing it.

"No, I swear.  It was just sitting on the ground."

At this point, I'm starting to get pissed because I realize that he took the items from the camp toy supply.  You march yourself right back in there and give those things back to the camp counselors!  Now!

As he is climbing out of my van, he pulls yet another toy out of his backpack.  A small super hero figurine.  "Um, okay...  I found this one too, Mama.  I'll just give them all to the teacher.  I just forgot to put them up before going home.  Sorry." 

Not only is he a klepto, but he also has a little problem with, um, embellishing the truth. 

Aw, hell...I gotta call a Spade a Spade.  He lies.  A lot. 

He's freakin' six years old and headed straight for the Riverbend Correctional Institution!  I have no idea where in Tennessee it is located, but it's featured regularly during Lockdown marathons on MSNBC.  It's a bad place with bad people, yall.  Real talk. 

I do not do prison.  Social visits or otherwise.  I'd probably be willing to put a little money in his commissary fund, but I ain't hanging out with murderers and their girlfriends on the weekends.  This cannot be our lives! 

He needs an intervention, a coming to Jesus meeting, a scared straight visit to juvy...  Something! 

All the while, I can't help but think that God works with us in funny ways.  He has a damn sense of humor, ya know?!?  On any given day if asked what I consider to be the worst character flaws ever, lying, stealing, and cheating would be at the top.  Every time.  You might think, "Well, one out of three...," but he cheats too.  Just try playing Bingo with him. 

Seriously, though, I am a straight shooter.  I don't lie.  Hell, I can't lie.  My feelings are always on display for the world to see.  If I do something wrong, everyone knows it.  My sister quit hanging out with me in high school because I ratted her out so much.  Sooo many times I wished I was capable of lying.  I sure could have saved myself from a lot of grief.  I hate that about myself.  No game face. 

Consequently, I do not deal well with folks I can't trust.  I don't like shady.  Period.  I guess that's why God put that sweet little liar in my life.  To test me.  He's my shady cross to bear. 

Uuuugggghhhh!!!!!  FML.  I'm too old for this shit!

Excuse Me, But Do Those Prison Stripes Come in His Size??

My son needs help.  Serious help.  I've never seen anything like it.  For such a sweet, charismatic, smart, and extremely adorable five year old, he has a dark side that is starting to bother me.  I've kinda tried to ignore.  Until now.

I'm afraid an intervention, or an exorcism, may be necessary.

My son is a five-year-old stuffaholic.  He's a certifiable treasure box junkie!  He is obsessed with acquiring junk!  I don't want to call it greed because I'm not convinced that's it.  He'll gladly give to others.  In fact, he is always wrapping up his toys to give to his friends as presents.  But he is even happier to be on the receiving end.  In fact, he got pissed when he didn't get a parting gift at a recent birthday party.  

At his preschool graduation, his teachers gave out funny, special awards to all of the kids.  He got "Most Likely to Bring a Toy to School Every Day."  WTH???  It's true, though.  He would always stick some little figurine or car in his backpack before leaving for school each morning.  My son, Mr. Materialistic. 

At his sister's softball games, he'd get $2 to spend on whatever.  He'd make 40 trips to the concession stand spending a quarter at a time.  (Don't check my math.  I'm close, though.)  He'd give me the loot to hold while he merely enjoyed the transactions.  I've seen him throw a box of tampons into the grocery cart just before check out to ensure that he got "something." 

Old, new, clean, dirty...he doesn't care.  He just likes getting "stuff."  Every time we go somewhere the first thing out of his mouth is "Can I get a toy?"  He is a retailer's dream come true!

Today, after lunch I took him and his sister to McDonald's for ice cream and to play.  I know, bad move.  But hell, it's 187 degrees outside!  I thought it would be a win-win.  Win, because I get to hang out in the A/C.  Win, they get to play and enjoy some ice cream in the A/C.  As soon as we get into the place, my son starts in about the freakin' Shrek watches that he doesn't have yet. 

Whatever...  You got a Shrek watch two days ago.  I'm sure before they are all gone, you will have acquired the rest of them.

Don't judge.  I know that Happy Meals are crap full of fat and grease.  Give me a break, please.  I do give them a multi-vitamin every day, for crying out loud.

Anywonderwhyshe'safatass, he started pouting.  My gut was telling me to turn around and walk out of the door, but lazy mom, my alter-ego, was saying "You've got 3 more hours to kill before Daddy gets home."  Lazy mom won! 

We went to the play area.  Shortly after removing his shoes, E came to me with a big, I-got-something-and-you-don't grin on his face.  I knew something was up.  Sure enough, behind his back was an effn' Puss-in-Boots watch.  He said he "found" it.  I told him to put it back.  He sulked away.

Instead of putting it back, however, he put it in his pocket!  He hid behind the slide, looked around to make sure I wasn't watching, then slid the damn watch in his freakin' pocket!  Of course I was watching as was some nosey old man sitting next to us.  "He put it in his pocket, Ma'am." 

Thanks, Mr. None of Your Business.  Oh, I didn't say it, but I wanted to.  Sorry, I still have the pissies, and I just wasn't in the mood. 

The highly coveted watch that led to his felonious offense...

OMG!  Where did he learn that???  I was freaking out.  See, this was not the first time I'd caught him stealing.  Once at the zoo he tried to steal a tiger ball because I told him he could only have one toy!  Needless to say, he got NOTHING but a severe cussin' a lecture about going to jail and a time out.

The toy at McDonald's was actually just left in the play area.  It didn't belong to anyone in the play area.  I checked.  But I gave it to the McDonald's worker because he was NOT getting it.  He cried the entire way home.

None of my parenting books address larceny.  I'm stumped.  Moms in Blogland, what would you do?  My first instinct is to take him for a visit to Juvy.  Give him a little "Scared Straight" therapy.  Do they make prison jumpsuits to fit five year olds???