I Have a Serious Medical Condition

I don't do this very often, but I do think it's important to educate people from time to time.  Call it charity work or community service.  I sincerely hope that you come away from this post feeling enlightened.  You're welcome.

The topic today is a very common, yet quite serious, medical condition that affects about 85% of the female population.  Since women rule the world make up roughly 50% of the total population, that's about...well...uh...a butt-load of damn people who suffer from this condition.

The condition to which I am referring???  Premenstrual Syndrome, also known as PMS.  According to my personal favorite online hypochondria enabler source, MedlinePlus.com:

PMS refers to a wide range of physical or emotional symptoms that typically occur about 5 to 11 days before a woman starts her monthly menstrual cycle.

Symptoms may include any (or all, in my case) of the following:

• Disinterest in relationships
• Fatigue or low energy
• Feelings of tension or anxiety
• Feeling out of control
• Food cravings or binge eating
• Mood swings
• Panic attack
• Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
• Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
• Problems sleeping
• Trouble concentrating

While there are ways to lessen the severity of the symptoms, the only cure is menopause which brings about a plethora of its own undesirable symptoms.

IT IS EFFIN' HOPELESS!  The best way to handle it, though?  Stay far, far away from me a woman during this time.  You've been warned.

Today, I am roughly 10 days shy of Mother Nature's little gift.  Unfortunately, many people of the world are oblivious or just don't care.  Whatever...  There never seems to be a shortage of shit to irritate my ass each month.  In fact, it's not even lunch time and I'm already annoyed! 

Here are just a few observations from the gym that got my panties in a wad this morning:

• People who go to aerobics but refuse to move their asses enough to break a sweat!!!  Why are you here taking up valuable space?  I personally have the body of a small moose and need to sweat as much as possible.  I can't exactly do that with your ass standing in the way!  Move it, Sister!  K?  Thanks, Hon.

• People talking on their cell phone while on the elliptical or during Zumba class!  Are you that damn important that you can't go an hour without it??  If you are, then you should probably have your own personal gym with a personal trainer and gourmet chef.  Get the hell out of here!  K?  Appreciate ya, Love.

• Women who don't wear sports bras!  Or any supportive device, for that matter.  That little tank with a shelf bra in it IS NOT ENOUGH!  Those girls of yours are flopping all over the place just waiting for the opportunity to break free and traumatize the rest of us.  If you are an A cup or greater, do us all a favor and get a damn sports bra!  K?  Great, Doll.

• Calculus!  It makes my head hurt with all those squiggly lines, symbols, and graphs.  Why must I continue to torture myself by trying to understand it?  No, it has nothing to do with the gym, but still...  I'm just sayin'.

Oh no.  It's lunch time.  Gotta go eat the legs off a table and dive into a bucket of ice cream! 

Peace out!

Dear Dumb-Ass

Dear Dumb-Ass,

Why are you in my life?  Why do I have to deal with you?  How in the hell did you get your shoes on the right feet this morning?  These are just a few of the nagging questions I'd love to ask but don't out of politeness.  And the love for my nice, safe world.

I do ask, though, that in the future you not subject me to your ridiculous stupidity while I'm in the midst of such severe PMS.  I nearly ate the legs off my kitchen table this afternoon out of frustration.  Your ineptness nearly pushed me over the edge.  Instead of driving to your house and beating you with the stupid stick, I ate an orange-striped Zebra Cake, a Rice Crispy treat, some Cinna-Sticks from Domino's, and 2 brownies.  You should thank me since my fat ass won't!

In closing, please speed up.  You are making my friend homicidal and not very pleasant to deal with first thing in the morning.  I'm sure you are a nice person and all, but, for the love of God, stay AWAY!  I'm just not sure how long I can keep from smacking you upside the head.

Hugs & Kisses & F-bombs,

LB