Mother Nature, the Other Bitch in My Life

I'd like to lighten things up a bit.  I'm not an unhappy person.  Miserable is not my favorite emotion.  I hate being in an ill mood for very long.  Furthermore, I don't want to spend another ounce of energy on my MIL.  The more time I spend thinking about her crazy-ass, the less time I have for enjoying my life.  She is a pathetic excuse for a human being.  Period.  Exclamation point!  There's nothing I can do about that.  'Nuff said.

Anycrazypsychobitch, have yall heard about the new lipo shot??  Some friends and I have been scouring the internet for information.  Apparently, there is a new cocktail injection for weight loss called the lipotropic injection.  It is actually a series of injections given once a week.  It is made up of B vitamins, and claims to boost energy, metabolize fat, and increase the metabolism. 

My friend, Ophelia, said that one of her coworkers took the shots and lost 22 pounds in three weeks!  That's exactly how much I want to lose, and that's exactly how quickly I'd like to lose it!  May and swimsuit season is that freakin' close!  Tomorrow, my friends, Joanie and Wilma, are going to get their first injections.  I am going on Monday.  I'm excited and can't wait.

What are the side effects, you ask??  Who gives a shit!   Well, from what I can tell, the only possible side effect is injection site irritation.  Those AIDs researchers must have heard my cry.  Screw a cure!  We need something to make you skinny while eating ice cream and watching Oprah!  I'm totally psyched and can't wait to get my first injection.

Leave it to a skinny be-otch friend to be a Debbie Downer, though.  "An injection?!?" said Debbie.  "Isn't that a bit extreme?"  This coming from a girl whose fat jeans are a size 4.  "What about the side effects?  It's too new to know everything about it."

Oh, go eat a cheeseburger and shut the hell up!

At this point, it all became hilarious to me.  Just exactly what is my limit?  Short of cutting off my head to keep from eating, I'm pretty sure the skies the limit.  Not just me...what about all the women in my circle of friends?  Before marriage and children, we were all attractive and thin.  While all my girls are still quite attractive, none of us is sporting a bikini (except for Debbie Downer.  Why do we keep her in our circle again???).  Childbirth and the aging process are hard on a girl!! 

We continue to fight the fight, however.  Madge takes phentermine; she calls it her "crack."  Marcie lives on Oreo's and Dorito's, but she limits her intake to about 37 calories a day.  Harriett is a beast in the gym who eats twigs and berries six times a day.  Joanie tried Alli, but found that carrying around spare panties was not conducive to her life style.  (Apparently, Alli causes explosive bowel movements without warning.)  Leah is a big fan of laxatives.  She will spend eight hours at a buffet then blow it all out the next morning...literally!  We all had a field trip to the Asian community planned for last summer.  Instead of a girls' night out, we were going to have colonics.  It never panned out, but I haven't completely given up on the idea.  

We have all tried extreme measures because, let's face it, losing weight is soooo HARD.  Much harder than the 50 year old grandmother/cougar with rock-hard abs and buns of steel claims it is!  (She's a damn freak of nature.)  Ten minutes twice a week on the Bowflex just won't get rid of that muffin top.  I don't care what Jennifer Anniston says, ain't no way in hell she keeps that body by doing 20 minutes of yoga each.  Maybe some yoga with 4 hours of boot-camp style drills afterwards.  There are lots of reasons to dislike Britney Spears, but you have to appreciate her honesty about the plastic surgeries and hours of grueling workouts she endured to look like she does.  Heck, and she's not even thirty yet!

Uh, because you're not???  There's no way in hell!

I'll keep fighting the fight as will all of my friends.  We have to!  None of us is ready to give up and hit the muu-muu rack at the Dollar General.  We're not ready to show our gray hairs regardless of how expensive the trips to the salon become.  We still buy cute shoes instead of comfortable Easy Spirits.  We've not traded our Victoria's Secret for Hanes Her Way.  The cosmetic industry is definitely getting rich off of our wrinkle cream purchases.

Lord knows, we all have that bikini picture from our college days that we gaze at from time to time.  Not because we wish we were that young again.  Hell to the NO!  Age and maturity are a wonderful things.  Rather, we need a reminder to keep us from throwing in the towel and becoming old ladies.  Mother Nature is a bitch, and we'll continue trying to whip her ass until we die!