It's So Hot...

My damn facebook news feed is full of temperature updates!  Okay, already...  I get it; it's HOT outside.  

In fact, it's so hot I saw a funeral procession stop at a snow cone stand.  

It's so hot, Michael Phelps tested positive for Snapple.

It's so hot, I can roast marshmallows in my belly button.

It's so hot, I can use my seat belt for a branding iron.

And if that's not hot enough for ya...

Well, it's hotter than a witch's tit in a brass bra.

It's hotter than menopause in July.

It's hotter than the pavement in Hell.

It's hotter than a pair of sweat pants at a barbecue.

Of course, this post would not be complete without me specifically conveying how hot I actually am.

I'm sweating like a whore in church.

I'm sweating like your mama at a paternity test.

I'm sweating like a big, fat, one-legged hooker working both sides of the street.

I'm sweating like a pig in a sausage factory.

I'm sweating like a $2 hooker on nickel night.

What about you?  What's the weather like in your neck of the woods???