Kids Say the Most God Awful Things

And they actually repeat them multiple times when prompted by their repulsive family members.

The LB-OCD family is on vacation this week.  We took our sweet darlings to Six Flags.  Although there was plenty o' fodder in the joint, one incident, in particular, deserves the prize. 

The award for Most Despicable belongs to Grandma Red and Pa Pa Pimp Daddy.  Grandma Red is a portly woman with red hair.  Not orange/red/auburn hair that is often found in its natural state.  Rather, her hair is red as in the crayon.  Actually, that's not correct.  More like the red you'd find in a jug of Hawaiian Punch.  Aside from her unusual shade of hair color, she looked like any other grandmother.  Conservatively dressed.  No visible tattoos.  A purse full of Goldfish and fruit snacks.

She had taken her young grandson on a ride called Tidal Wave, your basic water ride that leaves all occupants soaking wet.  Drenched, in fact.  Anywater...  Her grandson, Little Man, was about three years old.  He, too, looked like a typical Six Flag goer.  He was riding around in a little wagon eating fruit snacks and Goldfish.  Pa Pa Pimp Daddy sat next to me in the shade as Grandma Red took Little Man on Tidal Wave.

After the ride, Grandma Red waddled over to Pa Pa Pimp Daddy.  Pa Pa Pimp Daddy looked almost presentable, too.  He had slightly gray hair hidden under a typical fishing/retirement-themed baseball cap.  He was dressed in blue jeans and nondescript sneakers.  However, he was adorned in lots of gold.  Rings on every finger and multiple chains around his neck.  Even in his teeth were 14 karat.  And he wore a big diamond earring in his left ear.   He stood guard over the Goldfish and fruit snacks. 

"Tell Pa Pa what you told Grandma.  Go ahead, Little Man.  Tell Him!"  She was laughing uncontrollably, slapping her thighs and snorting.  She was bent over with her legs crossed, and I thought she might pee on herself, bless her heart.

"Pa Pa, that ride got me so fucking wet!" Little Man exclaimed proudly.  Pa Pa giggle.  Little Man beamed with pride. 

Shortly afterward, Little Man's mom shows up.  Grandma Red turns to Little Man and asks him to tell his mom what that ride did to him. 

"That ride got me so fucking wet, Mommy!"

Mom also began to laugh uncontrollably.  All the while, I'm sitting on a bench nearby totally freaking out!  Are you people kidding me???  Am I on Candid Camera here?  These people cannot be serious!  Where's Ashton Kutcher??  Obviously, I'm being Punked.


Finally, Little Man's dad returns to the group after purchasing ice cream.  Little Man is asked to again repeat what happened on the ride.  And again, he exclaimed that the effn' ride got him wet.  Daddy, while less jovial than the others, just smiled and shook his head.

That, my friends, was the chicken dinner winner today at Six Flags, St. Louis!  Runners up include the 300 pound woman in the American flag bikini, the annoying group of preteens who insisted on dribbling basketballs while walking through the park and standing in line, the rather large man with the horrific tattoos and rotten teeth (think Deliverance), and numerous fashion don'ts that include the girls wearing tube tops with knee-length basketball shorts and sparkly flats.

Alas, there can only be one winner.  Congratulations, Grandma Red and Pa Pa Pimp Daddy!  You are more than deserving of this prestigious award.