The Silver Lining in My Dark Cloud

Today we put my mother to rest. She is buried near one of her very favorite locations -- the beach. Our lives will never be the same now that this beautiful person has passed, but I am content knowing that she finally has a piece of beachfront property.

While preparing for the funeral service, my family and I had the longest, most awesome trip down memory lane. I found some incredible pictures of my parents when they were dating! They were high school sweethearts married nearly 44 years so you can only imagine all the memories captured in those photos. I went through hundreds of pictures, and noticed a common theme. In every picture of my parents, they looked extremely happy.

It was obvious how much they loved one another, and had a great time together. I found pictures of them dancing, playing at the beach, hanging out with friends, celebrating Mardi Gras...just basically living life to the fullest. I also found some of my mom's poetry. I knew she was the artistic type. That women could make a precious keepsake out of two cottonballs and a toothpick. However, I was further amazed at her ability to write. There was even a poem about me! I always knew she loved me (she was never scared to say it), but I didn't realize just how much and how much she admired me. As a mom of my own two precious gifts from God, though, I totally understand those feelings.

Then, of course, we had to reminisce about all the great times we had together. If you think I'm hoot, you should just meet some of my relatives! The stories were great. I laughed until I cried. We talked about how our Maw-Maw stalked us when we visited. The woman lived in a house with 4 rooms that totaled roughly 700 square feet, but she'd follow us around the house scared to death that we might touch something. God forbid we opened her fridge!

We talked about my mama and her sassiness. I have such fond memories of my Aunt N and her sitting at N's kitchen table drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. They talked about everybody and everybody's business. No one was safe from those critique sessions. At the funeral, I found myself praying that they weren't in heaven discussing how much weight I'd gained.

Yep, memory lane is probably the most therapeutic place. In those hours and days spent with my cousins, aunts, and uncles, I rarely cried, frowned, or felt sorry for myself. The only sounds heard when we were together were the sounds of laughter. We laughed at all the crazy things we'd done, and all the crazy people we loved.

We laughed at the big hairdos and the clothes, how skinny or fat we were, how 18 kids played "Mother May I" on a 3 foot x 3 foot walk way... We remembered in great detail every event at which each photo was taken. We laughed about Aunt S sleeping on a bean so she'd have a dimple. We laughed about how we'd shove 15 kids into a pinto to chase fire trucks. We laughed at how my daddy could pull some story right out of his rear and make you believe it. It was wonderful and touching, and my heart still melts when I think about it.

As quirky as my family is, it is the only one I've got. We may not call as much as we should or visit as often as we'd like, but our bond remains as strong as it was when I entered this world. I certainly hope we all stay true to our word and try not to drift apart. I hope we will start to have planned, organized family reunions instead of impromptu gatherings at funerals. I don't want my kids to miss out on memory lane. Nor do I want them to ever forget any of the looney, beautiful people that made me who I am.

These are just a few of my favorite pictures found...

Mom and Dad cuddling at some Mardi Gras ball

The young couple (maybe 25 years old???) with us kids

Mom and Dad as teenagers playing at the beach

Ode to Mother

My mom is barely hanging on. Her vital signs are steadily weakening. To keep my mind busy, I wrote my mother's obituary. It was hard, but I think it is fitting. For the purpose of my blog, however, I did not include full names because some people are kinda funny like that:

It is with deepest sorrow that the family of CJT, 61, announces her beautiful soul passed from this world. After a long, hard-fought struggle, she passed peacefully at the University of Alabama (UAB) Hospital in Birmingham, AL, surrounded by loved ones.

A longtime resident of the Mississippi Gulf Coast, she was a devoted wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, and friend. She was happily married for over 43 years, and she raised three loving children. Her family and friends brought her great happiness as she did them. Her charming persona
touched the lives of many people, and her legacy will remain.

CJ is preceded in death by her father TWD, Sr., her mother MJD, and her daughter MT.

She is survived by her loving husband, GJT, Sr. of Biloxi; her son-in-law and daughter, JPB and LTB of Tennessee; and her son GJT, Jr. of Biloxi. Surviving siblings include her sisters MD of Jackson, LP of Gulfport, and DL of Lumberton and her brothers, FD and TD of Biloxi. Her grandchildren are
JT, JMD, and JD of Gulfport; GJT, III of Biloxi; and EB and GB of Tennessee. In addition, she had three great grandchildren.

The family would like to thank the team of doctors, nurses, and other staff who cared for her at Gulfport Memorial Hospital and UAB Hospital. Special appreciation goes to the staff at the Palliative Care Unit at UAB as well as all those who offered prayers and support.

Visitation and burial services will be held...

I think I will work on a eulogy next. Morbid, but necessary.

EDITED TO ADD:

My mother passed away peacefully at approximately 8:40 p.m. CST on Friday, June 12, 2009. God just needed her more than us.

Thank God for Xanax

Today was another very long day. I slept all of about 3 hours last night so I was extremely tired and irritable. Not to mention, my face looks like the before picture in a Pro Activ Solution advertisement, and I started my period. Life pretty much sucks!

My heart is racing, and I can't catch my breath. These are either signs of congestive heart failure or severe anxiety. Since I described my symptoms to my mother's nurses on multiple occasions without her so much as flinching, I'm assuming my problem is the latter. Lucky for me (and my relatives), my wonderful doctor called me in a prescription for Xanax. If the referring WebMD physician (i.e. myself) has misdiagnosed my condition, I'll at least be able to remain calm during my heart attack.

As for my mom, she is still hanging on to every breath. Her breathing has become more and more labored, and the frequency of morphine and Ativan shots has increased. In my eyes, though, she is already gone. No more moaning and wretching. No more grimacing as the blood pressure cuff tightens. No more jerking away from the oxygen mask. Her pupils no longer dilate with light changes, and I no longer recognize her beautiful face anymore. She's gone to join her mother, daughter, and best friend at the big Crawfish Festival in the sky. (I am certain God will not keep her from enjoying the finer things in life - even in the after life.)

I am in a state of panic, however, because I am afraid of forgetting her face. Like when my sister and grandmother died, I'm trying to concentrate on something that I will never forget. With Meme, it was her thin hands and nobby fingers. With grandmother, it was her twisted, crooked index finger and her long, strong fingernails. Since I inherited those fingers, I will never forget them. With my mom, I'm drawn to her hands as well.

Mama has beautiful hands, too. They are small, but not frail. They are thin in the ring area. No pudginess below the knuckle. Her wedding rings always twisted around her ring finger making her look so delicate. She never liked really long nails as she loved to sew and create things. But her nails were always nicely shaped except for that finger that was smashed in a car door when she was a kid. That fingernail never fully recovered.

The last time I visited her before she was admitted to the hospital this time, I gave her a little manicure and a pedicure. I clipped and filed her nails, washed and massaged her hands and feet, and painted her nails a deep pink. She still had the polish on her when she was administered to the UAB. We finally took off the fingernail polish yesterday, but her feet still look freshly pedicured.

Uh-oh, the Xanax is kicking in... Thank you all who posted to me on Facebook. It means a lot. Unfortunately, however, FB is a blocked website here at UAB. I cannot post there, and can only read my wall postings and messages via email. I hope to be home soon. Until then, please pray, and if you find it in your heart, register as an organ donor. The website is:

http://www.organdonor.gov/

From Chocolate to Morphine

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. My life is like a roller coaster right now. We spent a terrific week in Disney with the kids. They are a bit older now, and really enjoyed it. E wanted to ride Splash Mountain over and over and over... He loves roller coasters! Unfortunately, G is about 1 inch too short to meet the requirements.

Before I even got back from Disney, the proverbial "other shoe" dropped. My mom was hospitalized on Saturday, May 30th, because of an agressive infection in her digestive tract. She was transferred to UAB a few days later. So as soon as my plane landed in Memphis, I had to pack my bags and head to Birmingham. I've been in my own bed only twice since summer vacation started.

Today I received word that the end is very near for my sweet little mother. The doctors have done all that can be done. They are now administering morphine to stop the pain. For this, I am glad. My mother has never been one to take pain medication. Even when she needed it, she wouldn't take much more than plain Tylenol. In fact, I think that chocolate was her favorite pain reliever. Now I know why she kept that stash of M&Ms. Regardless, she probably refuse the morphine if she were able to have a say. She hates being "goofy," as she'd put it.

I am trying to keep my composure as much as possible for my dad's sake. The poor man has been with her for 45 years. His life will never be the same. I try to comfort him, but I'm pretty certain God is the only one who can do that.

God, if you are listening, please give my daddy the strength to go on. Give him the peace he'll need to smile again. Above all else, give him the selflessness it's going to take for him to let her go...

Here's my mom with me and the kids at Christmas in 2007. That was the last time she was able to make that long drive to TN.

Mama and I opening Christmas gifts with the kids.

Baby Love, My Baby Love...

Georgia had her first dance recital this past Saturday. She's only been taking dance since the last week in March, but she was as good as the others in her class. Of course, we are talking about 3-5 year olds so "good" is all relative. Regardless, I was very proud of my little girl.

The theme was Billboard's Top 100. Her class danced to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and "Baby Love." Since I was a backstage mom, I only got to see her class perform. The rest of my time was spent dressing the 3-5 year olds for their next number, and keeping them from having a meltdown until performance time. Most of them skipped their naps, so keeping them content for several hours was a chore in itself.

We had fun, though, and Georgia told me she so was happy on the stage. This just confirmed what I had already suspected -- she is a drama queen. Being the former Queen of all Drama Queens myself, I totally get where she's coming from. It's exhiliarating to be on stage giving it your all. Hearing the applause after you've done your best is a priceless reward. Best of all? She loves it!

I feel bad for always discussing the challenges that she brings to our family. In all honesty, our lives would be empty and boring without her. She is strong, determined, smart, and funny. She is not afraid to go after what she wants. She is a natural leader with phenomenal intuition. She works hard, and plays harder. All in all, she is the total package.

Watch out world! One of God's most precious gifts is developing with great beauty and talent. Love her or leave her; she is my Georgia B.!

Fallyn and Georgia sharing a pre-show hug!


Georgia backstage practicing her tap dance.

They really don't get any more beautiful than this!

Mean Girls Turn Into Mean Women

Why are women so complex? Why are we so competitive and critical at times then loving and nurturing at others? We are our own worst enemies! You never have to worry about a man making you feel bad about yourself because there's always a "girlfriend" to help you out with that.

I don't expect to be BFFs with every woman I know. I have absolutely nothing in common with some. We have different life experiences and cannot connect. I get that, and it doesn't bother me. It is human nature to surround yourself with people whose company you actually enjoy. I like to be liked, but I don't necessarily need to be on everyone's speed dial. I don't expect to receive baked goods at Christmas. I am not even expecting my female acquaintances to acknowledge my birthday. I do, however, expect them to be polite. When they are not, it freakin' PISSES ME OFF!

NEWSFLASH. We are not in high school anymore, people! So why do some women insist on being rude? I'm not talking about Emily Post and her rules on proper etiquette. I'm just talking about human decency! Seriously...

If you see someone you know in the grocery store, don't just go about your business without acknowledging them. Don't avoid making eye contact or pretend you don't see them especially when you know that they see you. If you don't want to talk to folks because you look like death on a cracker, hide in the cereal aisle. But DON'T, I repeat, DON'T walk by them without so much as a smile or nod. That is just plain rude and not very nice.

I admit that I can be a bitch at times. I shoot straight from the hip, and am not a good liar. If there's an opinion to be had, I definitely have one. However, I do not purposefully shun people. If I hurt someone's feelings, I do not do it intentionally. And once I discover that I have hurt someone's feelings, I am truly apologetic. I am sarcastic and quick-witted, but I am not MEAN! Furthermore, I don't like MEAN people.

I think the next time I run into a rude female acquaintance at the Piggly Wiggly, I will loudly and boisterously go over and greet her with a great, big hug. I may even use a very loud voice to ask for a cigarette (even though neither of us smokes) just to see the mortified look on her face. Wouldn't that be hilarious??

We all know an uptight woman so just visualize it. Can you just see her face pucker up with disdain? I can't help but smile just thinking about it. I figure it serves her right for being rude. Maybe next time instead of pretending I don't exist, she'll hide behind the Diet Coke display on aisle 13...

Food Is Supposed to be Fun...

When I gave blood at school last month, I found out my cholesterol was up. I'd gotten a few high readings last year, but it was back down to normal when I had my OB visit in December. I thought I was in the clear...but no!


I went to my family doctor to have it tested yet again only to discover that it is 239!!! For those of you who have no idea to what I am referring, your cholesterol should be under 200. Cholesterol from 201-239 puts one at borderline high risk, and anything over 240 means that you are high risk. Oh, and the "risk" is developing heart disease and DYING of a heart attack. No biggie, right?



My doctor said to eat better, exercise more, and come back for a retest in three months. Easy enough, huh? Not exactly. First of all, I HATE to exercise. I go a few times a week, but I'd rather have all my fingernails ripped off. Seriously...I don't consider sweating like a whore in church while my flabby butt jiggles an exhilirating experience. I envy those people who enjoy working out, but I suspect they are big, fat LIARS. No amount of positive self-talk can make me like exercising.


Secondly, a low cholesterol diet sucks! While I don't eat many fried foods because I'm too lazy to cook them, I love bread, eggs, magarine, 2% milk, beef, and anything with high fructose corn syrup! I just love food and dessert and cereal and candy and Coke and... Now my diet must consist of lots of fruit, vegetables, fiber, whole grain, fish, bran, and anything without flavor.


You may look at the list and think, "that's not too bad." And in all honestly, I like fruits and vegetables. What I don't like is having to consume so many of them in place of the desserts that I prefer! Most fiber, bran, and whole grains are okay, I guess. I bought a loaf of some substance posing as "bread" the other day. It's more like some seeds and twigs with a crust. I don't know how I'll get that down with my spaghetti (made only with the leanest cuts of beef, of course). And fish?? I absolutely LOVE fish...when it's covered in a thick corn-based batter, fried in a huge vat, and served with tartar sauce and hush puppies. Not so sure that's what my doc has in mind...


Now I'm feeling depressed. I want CAKE! I want COOKIES and CHOCOLATE and ICE CREAM!!! Whaaaaa! I know I'm being a cry baby, but food is supposed to be fun and taste good, dammit! It's not meant to just nourish my body. Why do you think God invented chocolate cake??? Oooh, I could SO go for some chocolate cake...


I hope it gets better. I certainly don't want to die from heart disease. At the same time, though, can't they invent a calorie-free, sugar-free, trans fat-free candy bar? Screw a cure for the swine flu! This is far more important.


I guess I need to put a picture of a stripper on my fridge. It will serve as a reminder of what type of woman would raise my children if I died. I know my husband; he'd married the first nympho/stripper that crossed his path. Then my daughter would get her belly button pierced for her fourth birthday.


I better eat the seeds and twigs.