Signs from God

I think God keeps sending me signs. I know He works in mysterious ways, but I've never really been a witness to His work. Don't get me wrong; I'm not looking to get struck by lightning. I know He does great things through prayer and faith, but I've never felt that he was speaking directly to me. Until now...

Call it Karma, call it God, call it Order in the Universe. I'm not sure what to call it, but I've always been a believer that nastiness towards others will only lead to even greater nastiness to oneself. Take my daughter, for example. She is my difficult child. She is stubborn, hard-headed, persistent, too smart for her own britches, contrary... I'm sure many of you are grinning as you read. I know, I know... I just described myself. This is exactly my point. I dished it out, and now I'm getting it back from my own.

This is what I mean by God and His signs. Or maybe God and his way of aligning the cosmic energy??? Ya see, I am obsessed the way people look! I am forever comparing myself; and, I am miserably falling short, to say the least! Seriously, I have so many friends who look freakin' amazing! And not just amazing for a 40+ something either! I'm talking Demi Moore HOT! In fact, many of them look better than they did when they were younger. I cannot get over how well they've aged.

Now to me... I can't complain about the wrinkles because I think I've been blessed with pretty good genes. I have a few crows feet and a small furrow on my brow, but nothing serious. I'm fairly satisfied with my face (although my neck could use a little LIFT!).

It's my body, though. Or their bodies, I should say. Honestly, scrub-board flat at 43 years old??? Are you kidding me? Oh, not me -- no, I definitely do NOT fit into that category. But some of my friends do. I have one friend who has a picture of her in a bikini posted on her webpage. She's actually OLDER than me. I think she's 44 or 45 years old!

I recently found another who could seriously do Bow Flex commercials with Chuck Norris. Her body is definitely far better looking than Christie Brinkley's. Flat abs, incredibly toned legs and arms, nice and perky boobs, beautiful white teeth... I could go on, but I won't. Let's just say that I will not be standing next to her in any reunion pictures.

I know folks are probably getting tired of hearing me whine about how out of shape I am. Hell, I'm tired of my whining! But I feel so hopeless! I've gotten so out of shape. No amount of exercise and dieting can help me. Besides, I don't want to be 84 before I finally get down to a size 6 again. I want to have a good body RIGHT. NOW!!!

Sorry for the rant... The ADD kicked in. Now where was I? Oh, yea. I think God is repaying me for all the times I made fun of fat people. God doesn't like ugly. He didn't like me being such a wench. This is my punishment. I'm doomed to be the fat friend among all the pretty, skinny bitches.

Can't They Stay Little Forever???

So it's fall break, and I'm at home spending some quality time with my kids. They definitely feed my bipolarity. In one moment, there is complete chaos with lots of screaming and carrying on. In the next moment, all is fun and giggly to the point of peeing in my pants. They are so unpredictable, yet extremely entertaining, at this age.

My oldest is 4, soon to be 5. He loves to dress up in costumes and pretend! Lately he's been on a pirate kick. He wore a complete pirate costume to the zoo the other day including his sword and compass. No, it wasn't Zoo Boo -- he just wanted to wear it, and I didn't want to break his little heart. Of course, he received lots of stares and comments. He didn't care, though. He was in character.

My youngest is 3, soon to be 4. She is B-O-S-S-Y (like her mom)! She and I have a weird relationship. We butt heads quite a bit, but we have a connection that the boys don't understand. She makes me crazy and makes me want to kiss her all at the same time! She's too smart for her own good, and is very nurturing. She mothers her brother constantly (even when he doesn't want her to).

She, too, likes to pretend. She is ALWAYS a mom, and even has make-believe "kids." She's puts them in their carseats, rocks them in their cradle and mends their boo-boos. She's even named them - Sprinkles and Minnie.

I wish I could bottle this age because I know that I'll probably forget what this feels like once they start school. Once peer pressure starts impacting their every move, all things will change. It will break my heart the first time E decides that wearing his pirate costume to the zoo is not cool. I'll be so sad when G stops trying to mother her brother because her friends HATE boys. Why do they have to grow up so fast???

I'm not very good at keeping those crazy baby books updated. Hopefully, though, this blog will be around forever to serve as a reminder. Here are some things my kids said or did today that made me laugh out loud:

E: Mom, no school today. We're on Frog Break!

G: It was really loud in that movie-k-nator.

G: But I wanna hear "Waking Up in Vegas." (This isn't as funny coming from a 7 year old, but she's only 3 and already know Katy Perry!)

E: In his pirate coat and a BK crown, he danced and sang Phineas & Ferb's "Backyard Beach" in the middle of Burger King. (He knows the words too!)

G at Walmart: Can we go to the kindergarten? (That's the Garden Center for those of you who don't speak G-nese.)

E: Mama, you have a Judy-Booty! (If you know Judy, you know it's not a compliment.)

Beware of Heather in Munford, TN!!!

My world has been so crazy lately! Blogging has really been the furthest thing from my mind! However, I feel it is my duty as a cyber citizen to protect my fellow internet comrades from the e-commerce predators out there.

I have been on the phone for the past 2 1/2 hours trying to determine the origin of the 300 WhiteSmile charges on my credit card bill!! If I weren't so damn mad, I'd probably be too embarrassed to tell the world about it. My online shopping compulsion often gets the best of me. This time it kicked my ass!

Back in July, I was on the internet doing some research. I don't know what the heck for...maybe the meaning of life? Or how to be a successful bulimic? Who knows. While perusing the volumes of information on this nebulous subject, I came across Heather's blog. It caught my eye because she claimed to be from Munford, Tennessee! Since that is my area, I wanted to support a fellow blogger. The blog even has a picture of Heather, a cute girl around 25-30ish. The blog was entitled, "Heather's Very First Blog: A blog about living life & staying young."

The blog started off with some talk about how she'd done a lot of research and found some pretty clever ways to stay young and healthy. She added that the blog was totally her friends' idea. Then she proceeds to talk about these teeth whitening products that she discovered. She even uses BOLD letters and several exclamation points !!!!! to report that she got some secretive promotional code in order to get the products for free.

I know what you are all thinking... "Oh, LB... How could you be so dumb? I can't believe you fell for that!" I can't believe it either. As an eternal pessimist, I am always looking for the catch. What made Heather so believable was her insistence that you use two products combined. She wasn't selling one product for one company. She was actually saying that you had to use the two products from two different makers together to get such fabulous effects.

In my eyes, she must be legit. After all, Coca-Cola doesn't recommend that you mix Pepsi with Dr. Pepper for a more robust flavor. You don't see Nike telling you that their shoes really look much better when worn with Reebok socks. It's ridiculous to think that two competing products in the same market would work together to lure unsuspecting consumers into their evil marketing trap.

WRONG! The whole freakin' thing was a hoax. Heather (or whoever she is) probably isn't from Munford. They probably figured out where I lived from one of my many internet searches and included that detail into "Heather's" story!!!! Furthermore, there are NO two different companies! On my credit card bill, both of the products were billed under the same name but from different parts of the country.

Because I had to pay a mere $1.95 for shipping and handling, those bogus companies got my credit card info. (When will I ever LEARN???) Ever since receiving my FREE samples of these teeth whitening products, my credit card has been hit with over $200 in charges! After several phone calls, I was able to return some of the product for a refund. Only the "refund" has yet to hit my credit card statement. In addition, I was unable to receive a refund for part of the products.

Apparently, though the two companies act as one when billing, they are not one when it comes to refunds. Now the company that I finally got a response from is saying that the other charges were from a completely different company. However, they "conveniently" had access to the other company's phone number. When I called company #2, they informed me that my grace period had expired. WTF??? I'd been talking to company #1 during the said "grace" period believing that it was also the recipient of the funds received by company #2. Since I'd canceled with company #1, I assumed (bad word; bad idea) all was hunky-dory!

Are you still with me? My head is on fire right now, I'm so mad! The bad thing is I honestly do not know what to do about it. Instead of refusing to pay and disputing the charges with my credit card company first, I went to the company itself and tried to handle it. That was my first mistake. Ya see, the credit card company isn't going to give me a refund for something that I've technically already paid the bill for.

Moral to the story??? If I find Heather in Munford, I'm going to kick in those freakin' sparkling white teeth! Here's a link to her blog:

http://www.heatherswhiteteethblog.com/

and if you see her, get me on the 411... Her ass is mine!

Nanny 911

Okay, so you remember my previous blog about my MIL and her lack of babysitting skills?? She "sat" (I use the term loosely, yet literally) with my kids while my husband and I went to my reunion festivities. She did a horrible job, and I could not wait to ditch her vowing "NEVER, EVER again!"

It never fails. I always end up eating my words....

Back in July, my husband and I made plans for a quick overnighter to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game for our 7th anniversary. We asked some friends to keep our kids, and let them spend the night. They said "sure," and my kids were excited. Mama and Daddy were excited, too, because we honestly thought it would be a much more difficult task. My kids don't really "spend the night" since they are only 4 and 3 years old. But these friends are the Godparents to my children so I was okay with it.

Mid-August rolls around, and the friends had to cancel. One of their children was in an out-of-town ball tournament. Their family would be in some po-dunk town in Middle Tennessee that weekend.

WHAT??? I was freaking out because I really wanted to get away, but I really had no babysitter. I thought about one of the teenagers I trust. After all, it would only be for one night. Something in the pit of my stomach stopped me, though, since the term, trusted teenager, is an oxymoron.

Yes, I trust our regular sitter for a few hours. No, I do not trust her for an overnight trip. There is no telling what kind of things could happen. I can just see me watching TV in St. Louis when the regularly scheduled programming is interrupted by this breaking news:

Teens Throw Kegger -- 3 Yr. Old Caught on Camera Playing Quarters and Doing Keg Stands!

I just could not take that chance.

Fastforward to three days before our anniversay. Still no babysitter... My husband called the MIL. Of course, she was free. Of course, she'd watch our kids. (Of course, she'd sit on her fat tookus and eat everything in our house.) Uuuggghhh!!!! At least I wasn't the one asking. I have my dignity!

As suspected, it was disasterous. I wish I'd have taken pictures of the aftermath. Not only did she call us every 20 minutes to report that our kids were little monsters who needed Nanny 911, our house looked like a tornado had been through it. She was there for 24 hours! What the heck happened???

Her dog (the one that she claims is COMPLETELY house broken) left feces in my son's room. There were crumbs all around the recliner where she'd plopped herself and probably stayed the entire time. My daughter was wearing plaid on plaid, and not even in the same color spectrum. There was an ungodly smell in the kitchen from a milk cup left sitting in the sink. My toilets looked like Port-a-Potties. My kids had not had their teeth brushed. And they were filthy!

I just pray that no one reports me to D.H.S.! I knew that she was incapable of caring for them properly; yet, I let her stay with them any way. I knowingly subjected my kids to such horrific living conditions and sub-standard hygiene! Even worse, they probably sustained long-term emotional scarring from all the mental abuse!

I felt so bad, I took my kids to Target. I can't take back that 24 hours, but maybe a little bribery will deaden the pain.

Nanny 911... If she does call, I'm reporting her to the Fashion Police!

I Give Up!

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to crawl up in your bed, throw the covers over your head, and cry like a baby??? One of those days where no matter what you do is right? One that, regardless of all the good work you do, you are blinded by your mistakes?

Today has been one of those days. Hell, this month has been one of those months! No matter what I do or say, it all gets twisted into something it is not. Maybe I am crude, but I am so sick of everyone's sensitivity! Honestly, why do some folks take themselves and everything in their lives so seriously??? I just cannot take it anymore!

If there was a way to just give up, I'd do it right now. If I could just drop out of society and live off the land, I'd be all over it. If I could quit life, lay on the couch while eating ice cream and watching Dr. Phil, I'd do it!

One thing is for certain. I am one of those people that you either get me or you don't. You either like me or you don't. There is no middle ground. I guess I'm like Howard Stern. Those who get him and where he's coming from, totally love him (like me). Those who don't, hate him and wish he'd be banished from society forever.

Whaaaa, whaaa, whaaa! I'm starting to sound like one who takes themselves too seriously! I'll stop here before I put my big, fat foot into my big, fat mouth again.

Just know, however, that I am usually a very happy person who enjoys life. I try never to take myself too seriously, and often find humor in my own misgivings. I like to joke, check, and joke some more with my the people I love. There is no malice in my intent. I am very loyal, and will do just about anything in the world (within reason, of course) for the people dear to me. While I am starting to learn that I cannot please everyone, it upsets me when I think that I've hurt someone. Believe me, it's NEVER, EVER intentional. I just talk too much, and that's always gotten me in trouble.

MILs from Hell

I truly hope that when my son decides to marry, I will not mysteriously transform into a MIL from Hell. Seriously, I know moms are typically close to their little boys. How can they not be??? Little boys are so awesome, and they love their moms like no one else can. I can only imagine how difficult it will be to let him go. And I am sure that I will be leary of every girl who comes into his life. However, I pray that God will give me the courage to stay out of his freakin' business, and let him live his life!

As most of you know, I have a MIL from Hell. I thought she was THE MIL from Hell. Apparently, though, she is not the one and only MIL from Hell. It seems that being from Hell is quite characteristic of your typical MIL. Strangely, the Heavenly MIL is an anomaly and somewhat of a precious commodity. (My friend has one of those freaks of nature. Her MIL is awesome beyond belief! It's no fun trying to commiserate with her.)

The phenomena known as the MIL from Hell is complex. There are varying degrees of hellishness. All this time I thought that Dante's Inferno was a fictitious saga about the depths of Hell. I suspect, though, that Dante' may have had a MIL from Hell from which he got his inspiration. The characters obviously represent the MIL's from Hell that Dante encountered.

Depending on the spouse's "crime," the suffering varies. In the first circle of hell, the strong-willed must take a MIL with no manners and obnoxious public behaviors. The ankle-biter MIL is punishment for the passive in the second circle. One of the worst MIL's from Hell, the malicious meddler, is saved for the irresponsible and carefree in the deepest circle. Get the idea?? My personal hell is in the first circle. Another friend's MIL is worse, though.

My friend, V, has an ankle-biter. You know the type. She's like one of those really small, yelpy dogs who constantly bark and bite at your ankles until you kick the hell out her. She has no llife but that of her child's. Seriously, she is all up in the Kool-Aid, sniffing around in their business like the IRS. The ankle-biter is at V's house every single day. Much like the dog, she hovers over the children just waiting to attack anyone or anything that touches the litter. Regardless of what poor V does, the ankle-biter is there to take over while appearing to be helpful. This is no exaggeration either.

I recently had the pleasure of interacting with the ankle-biter. I was at V's house and fed her 1 year old a cheese puff. You know, the ones that melt in your mouth? The ones that require no teeth or chewing?? Since the MIL from Hell was hovering as she does, she nearly had a stroke!! She zoned in on that cheese puff like it was an assault weapon. In a flash, the ankle-biter destroyed the cheese puff and snatched the baby out of harm's way. Phew...another disaster averted thanks to her superb instincts!

My MIL is, in fact, from Hell, but at least she stays out of my business. Of course, she does live over a hundred miles away. I suspect she'd probably be a bit nosier if she were closer. Regardless, I appreciate the fact that she leaves us alone.

I guess there is truth in the saying, "God only gives you what you can handle." With almost complete certainty, I'd be looking for a job out of state if I had V's MIL. I would only be able to fake a joyful expression when she enters the door for about a week before I blew my stack. I'm not exactly sure what I'd say or do, but right now I am getting a visual of Linda Blair in the Exorcist throwing objects around the room with my head doing a 360 as I spew venemous green stuff. Let's just say, we'd probably need the crime scene clean up crew afterwards.

I Kicked Some Teenage Butt Today! :)

For those of you who teachers, you know that coaches have a pretty damn good gig. Yes, the do teach and some of them are even good at it. However, they do get some pretty incredible perks. Most of the paperwork that the regular ed teachers have to deal with is of no particular concern to the coaching staff. In the words of a fellow teacher and male coach, "What report?? Oh, I'm not doing that!"

As a result, I pretty much forced myself on the volleyball coach. (Luckily, I consider her a good friend too.) I told her that I wanted to be a coach, and asked if I could be her assistant volleyball coach. Did I mention she is really nice friend??? Considering the fact that I know absolutely NOTHING about volleyball, I think she's just trying not to hurt my feelings.

Regardless for my first day as the new assistant volleyball coach, I joined the team at their weekly karate/kick-boxing class. I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck, but I did it. In fact, I held up better than some of those little petite sixteen year olds! I can do more push ups and kicks and arm circles than a few of my very own students!!! Not bad for a 43 year old woman, huh??

With the exception of the standing jumps, I hung with the best of them. While they were crying, I was rocking. And if I didn't pee on myself every time I tried to jump, I would have probably rocked that as well. (Those little girls don't understand what age and childbirth does to a woman's body.)

Now I just have to pray that I'm able to get out of bed in the morning. I remember the first time I ever snow skied. We spent the entire day on the slopes, and I was so proud of persevering. The next morning, though, I literally fell out of bed. When I tried to stand up, I fell to the ground in pain. Needless to say, I hung out in the lodge for two days before hitting the slopes again.

Today's victory will probably be tomorrow's agony... I'm afraid this is going to be a long season.