Attention Women! Don't Try This at Home!

I suck these days.  No, not literally. Get your minds out of the gutter!!!  Mr. OCD would probably love it, but this isn't about him now is it??

I have not been a good bloggy friend.  I'm so far behind, I don't know if I'll ever get to reading everything!  Don't get me wrong; I need the laughter!  But my time is a precious commodity these days.  Apparently, the world makes a complete stop and the air we breathe disappears if I don't give everyone my undivided attention around here.  But I digress...

I will catch up soon.  Pinky promise!

I need to keep this brief because Mr. OCD and our bundles of joy will be home in approximately 14 minutes.  I've got to type fast! 

However, I feel it is my duty as a woman to try to protect the lives of other women.  As a result, this post is really a very important Public Service Announcement!  *WONK* *WONK* *WONK* (That is the annoying little noise that precedes those Emergency Broadcast messages for those who took the short bus today.)

Ah-hem...  Attention ladies!  Regardless of how low on funds your family may be, NEVER, EVER try this at home.  Let me repeat myself for those too busy multi-tasking to understand me the first time. 

Regardless of how broke you may be, NEVER, EVER, EVER try this at home!

When I was young, I was a total blond and could pull this off.  Hell, I think it was this blond in college.  Hawt Mama!  Let's face it, though.  I am not in my 20s anymore, and I have NO business dying my own freakin' hair!  Chemistry was not my favorite subject, and I ain't no Issac Newton.

I nearly pulled a Britney Spears, and shaved my damn head.  I looked like a fluorescent pineapple!  Even worse, I did this on the day before I was to return to work.  I had to go to work the next day looking like Frenchie from Grease (Who doesn't love that movie??  Best. EVER!)

Praise Jesus; Joanie's SIL is a fantastic hairdresser.  On her day off, she met me at her shop and fixed me up right.  I no longer glow in the dark.  Thanks Laurie from This Is It Salon!  You rock, girlfriend! 

Excuse my shiny face and tired eyes.  I'd just come in from 175 degree heat!  The makeup pretty much melted off my face.  God, I love August in the South!  That was sarcasm for you slower folks...

Public Service Announcement: Bad Tattoos Are on the Rise

Disclaimer:  I am sarcastic (Du-uh! Thus the blog address), and I tend to exaggerate for effect.  I'm a people-watcher; I observe, report, and add my own commentary.  Nothing I write should be used as a factual reference due to my tendency to over-exaggerate.  While I hate to admit it (and probably won't again), I do NOT know everything.  The opinions stated here are mine, and mean absolutely NOTHING to anyone else in the world but a few close friends.  If my statements offend you, I'm sorry for that but this is my blog.  I call it like I see it!  Real Talk.

I may need to seek professional counsel for my latest obsession.  It consumes me when out in public.  I find myself going to great lengths just to catch a glimpse.  I'm speechless and dumbfounded by what I see, yet I want to see more.  It's like a bad car accident.  I shudder at the gruesomeness, but I want to get all up in the Kool-Aid.

People, people, people...  Please, please, please...  Let's be a bit more discriminating about the "art" we have permanently placed on our bodies!  K? 

Seriously, folks.  Not everything in life is worthy of a tattoo.  I know you love your boyfriend, but do you really need his name, birth date, and social security number stamped across your entire back?  Yes, I know you love turtles; I do too!  However, must you wear that love on your upper thigh?

Mr. #24 should be very, very, VERY afraid!

What the hell was she thinking?

Some of the most hideous tattoos I've observed were on women.  I do not understand why a beautiful woman would want to deface her beautiful body with the likes of Tweety Bird and Captain Jack Sparrow.  Don't get me wrong; I think Johnny Depp is pretty hot myself.  But after a few years of sun and weight changes, Captain Jack starts to look more like the Crypt Keeper.

Eff'n Bob Barker?  Really??

Speaking of the Crypt Keeper, he's really not a good muse.  Just say "NO" to Freddy Krueger, the Tasmanian Devil, Satan, and the Grim Reaper.  Oh, and the Insane Clown Posse.  They're just plain creepy!  One day you will have children (yes you will) who will be completely traumatized.

Do you really want this to be the last thing your son sees before going to bed???

You will also probably have a real job one day so keep your tatts on the DL.  The initials of your BFF on the back of your neck may work against you in the interview process.  You can't really sport that tarantula crawling up your leg wearing a dress.  The Man kinda frowns on skankiness, or anything that may be misconstrued for skankiness, in the work place.

I have a tattoo.  A ridiculous tattoo.  One that would definitely cause me to tank an interview.  Luckily, God was on my side that day because I got it on my hip vs. the ankle where I'd really wanted it.  Some fifteen or so years later, my Mickey looks like an old, dead rat.  I'd love to have it removed, but it serves a purpose.  It is a constant reminder of the dumb things I'm capable of doing when severely under the influence.  No AA meetings necessary!

Lord, I hope this ain't your grandma...

*These are not people in my real life. All photos are compliments of Google Images.